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May 24, 2003 I actually talked to Mom about it, I guess, in a way, I was feeling guilty for being able to move on. It's not that I'm not hurting, that I don't miss him, but, it's not consuming me, not in the way it is some of the other members of my family. My Mom told me that I have always been like that in the face of tragedy. That, no matter what happens, I always seem to get a peace about me, like I know something that no one else does. She said that my calmness has helped her so much, because, when around me, she knows that everything will be okay. This chat got me thinking about it, and, I realized that she is right. As long as I can remember, I have always taken things in stride. It's like, somehow, or another, I know that tomorrow, it won't be so bad. That, I can fight the deepest heartache better with smiles, than with tears. This will sound crazy, but, it's like, I know this isn't it, it isn't really the end. I feel like it's supposed to be goodnight we say, not goodbye. Maybe, just maybe it's something that my grandmother, that passed away when I was young, gave to me. I don't know, but, it's a gift I treasure. Dr. C came up to me the other day, and kind of thrust/threw this card into my hands. She stood there for a moment, looked down at her shoes, and then walked very quickly from the room. I looked at the card, which was a sympathy card, and read what she had written. It was simple, and very nice, but coming from her, it really meant a lot to me. She just always so closed off, and "anti-emotion" that, when she shows some, you know she really means it. Things at work have been a bit down lately. We've been slow, and money is begining to be a bit of a problem. It's got everyone a little tense. People have been in bad moods, some days, it feels like we should all be wearing army greens, carying guns. It's just like a tense war zone. Too many animals are dying, or being euthanized. I don't know, we always go in phases like this, sad times, happy times, this down phase just seems to be lasting a little too long for my liking. I am babysitting a four week old kitten for the next few days for one of our clients. Judy, the kittens 'mom' had been fighting tooth and nail to save the kitten. About three weeks ago, she came into the clinic to see if the kitten would nurse on a momma cat we had there. The kitten, now named Gracie, just wasn't doing very good, she was near death. Somehow, or another, I got roped into taking the kitten home to try and get it to make it through the night. I had the kitten home for about three hours, when Judy called, saying she was missing the kitten really bad, and could I show her what to do, so she could take it home. I showed her as much as I knew, and sent her home, thinking the kitten would surely die in the middle of the night. Well, she's still alive. She's got quite a few problems, however. Her skull never completely closed, which, doesn't really give her a bright future. Judy told me the kitten had started growling when they picked her up, which I believed was just her being grumpy, but when I saw her today, I now believe it's due to neurologic problems. I also believe she is blind. I don't have the heart to tell the owner this, plus, I am not a vet, so it's not my place, but things just don't look good. She's a beautiful little kitten, and I really pray for a miracle to save her. Who knows, miracles happen every day. I guess that's all for now. I just haven't really been in the mood to update lately. "Say goodnight, not goodbye, "Say Goodnight, not Goodbye" Chantel Kreviazuk <-//->
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