2001-04-10
12:05 a.m.

Wow, this is my third entry today, I haven't written that much in a while. I've been kind of in a jittery state all day, as my previous entry sort of set off. I don't know why it's bothered me to the extent that it has. I mean, nothing happened, and I should have calmed down a while ago. I took a xanax, I should be happy and floating on clouds, but I'm not.

I guess part of my keeps hoping that Jenn will suddenly pop on line, and go 'Guess what, they said everything is ok.' I know she won't though. Not with how her parents feel about everything. Not talking to her is killing me. It seems that my whole life, I tried to be perfect, for everyone else. I tried to do what they expected of me, what they wanted from me. For the first time in my life, I stood up for what I wanted. I went against everyone's thoughts and expectations, and I said 'Hey, I want this, I want it for me.' I quit letting other people try and mold me into the shape they wanted. Now that I finally did it, finally spoke for myself, everything I held dear was taken away. I was happy with who I was, I was happy with how my life was going, I was so happy with my relationship, and now I feel like people are trying to make me feel bad for that.

I know Jenn's dad is just trying to deal with this. I know it's not the best thing in the world for your daughter to say 'Hey, I may not end up having that fairytale wedding, and kids.' It's scary, I know that. I hated to watch my mom have those emotions when she found out. I can't deny who I am, and I won't. I'm sorry if people can't understand it, and don't like it, but don't be afraid of it. Don't be afraid of love. This isn't about being lesbian, bi, or straight, this is about finding something in another person, that sets your heart on fire. It's about looking in someone's eyes, and being able to see their soul. It's about finding someone, where forever with them just doesn't seem to be enough. That's not something to be scared of.

Now, I have about a ten minute time period where I can talk to Jenn. She's at school then, so that ten minutes isn't even garunteed. I never thought that I would be one of those love sick type people. I never thought that I would physically ache when I couldn't be near them. I am now. It scares me sometimes. It scares me so much. Without being able to talk to Jenn, I feel like a part of me is missing, like it has died. I always told myself, that I would always gaurd my heart, and I wouldn't put it in a situation like this. I never wanted to feel so much for someone, that when they were gone, so was a part of me. It happened though, and there is nothing I can do about it. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. Jenn is my best friend. She knows all my secrets. She knows what makes me smile. She knows what makes me laugh. She knows what makes me cry. And not only am I blessed with a friendship as wonderful as that, but I am blessed with the fact that she loves me, as I love her.

Her dad asked me to change my screen name, and diary name so that Jenn wouldn't be able to have contact with me. I wanted to do what he asked. I wanted to do whatever I could to make things better, to make it where I could see Jenn again. I couldn't though. I won't. I don't want to make things harder, but I won't purposely sever my contact with Jenn. When you have a friend that means as much to you as Jenn mean to me, why in the world would I ever ever want to sever that? So, I'm sorry, but that is one favor that I am unwilling to do.

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