2001-05-09
12:55 a.m.

All in all the past couple of days have been really good. For the first time in about four months I am feeling like me again, the me I used to know. Lately I felt as if I were trapped in my body, watching someone else live my life. Someone who was moody, and depressed, so unlike that me that I know. This past week, though, I feel as if I have gotten a lot of the old me back.

I think one of the things that has set this off, is that I have changed my out look on everything that is happening between Jenn and I. I've read quite a few diaries of people that have gone through similar things, and they have come out stronger, more confident. I no longer feel as if the world is about to end. Jenn and I are dealing well, the distance, it really hasn't affected our relationship that much. Well, I mean, it's made it a lot harder, but it hasn't changed the way I feel about her, and as far as I know, the way she feels about me hasn't wavered. That's what really matters. I guess knowing that it isn't going to last forever, and that she is still my best friend, and someone that I care for, I have finally been able to put a lot of those teenagey anger hormones to rest. I also have faith that no matter what happens, now or in the future, that she will always be my friend, that is just something that distance, or silence can't ever take away.

Another thing that has helped me out are trips to the vet clinic. Sunday night, my big lab, Gilly, went after one of our small puppies, Gracie. When I saw Gilly go after Gracie, I grabbed the only thing I could, Gilly's tail. I know that experts say you aren't supposed to interfere with a dog fight, but there is no way in hell I am watching my dog hurt another one of my dogs. I think the vivious yank on Gilly's tail alerted her that I was pissed because she quickly retreated, getting down in submissive position. I use a lot of "natural behavior" stuff with my dogs, to them, I am the alpha dog, and what I say goes. Anyway, all I knew is that I saw blood. I rushed little Gracie into the house, grabbing paper towels so that I could try and see where the blood was coming from. It was all around Gracie's mouth. Once I got her wiped off a bit, I saw that she had a laceration on her gum, and she was bleeding at top of her nose, as well as out of her nose. When I looked a little closer, I saw that Gilly's tooth had gone straight through the skin, and nasal cartilidge, and had made a whole clear into her nasal cavity. Everytime Gracie would breath, air would come out of this little hole. So, of course, off to the vet clinic we go, making the twenty minute drive in about 12 minutes, even thought the vet assured us over the phone that she would be fine. What can I say, our animals are worth the break neck speeds. Once we got to the clinic, Dr. F, one of Dr. C's partners took a look at Gracie, and fixed her up as best her could. He then told us to come back the next day for an X-ray, just to be sure.

So, on Monday, we brought in Gracie, as well as her sister, Piper, figuring we would get vaccinations too. Well, Dr. F, knowing how much I wanted to be a vet, asked me if I would like to give the vaccination to my puppies. I think I asked him if he was sure about a hundred times. I was so excited, I wanted to jump up and down. So, he showed me what to do, and handed me the syringe. I did Gracie first, and it was really awkward, I couldn't seem to hold the syringe right, and I didn't know how much pressure to put to get the needle to go in. The skin is actually a lot tougher than it looks. So, finally I get the needle in, and Gracie is whimpering, and I feel really bad, but I finish, plunging the vaccines in. After the horrible job I did with Gracie, I was sure he wouldn't let me touch Piper, but he hands me the next syringe. Knowing more of what to expect, I did much much better on Piper. She didn't make a sound, I don't even know if she felt it. I told Dr. F thank you about a billion times. He then let be come back in the back to see a little puppy that had parvo, the little guy only weighted two pounds, and was nothing but a ball of fluff. I'm really hoping he makes it, although the odds aren't really that great. As I was making my way back to the exam room, I ran into Dr. C. I was sure she wouldn't know who I was, but she walks up to me, saying "Hey Heather, how are you doing. How's Gilly?" I was beyond thrilled. I mean, I know someone recognizing me isn't really that amazing, but someone that I hold so highly..it just made my day. I asked her if there were any surgeries coming up, and she said that there were two on thursday that I was welcome to attend. I told her how much it meant to me that she would take the time to do this for me, and I told her how much I enjoyed the last visit..then I of course showered her with thank you's once again. It's just little things like that that make my day. Who would have thought that sticking a needle in my puppy, and talking to a vet would be so amazing to me? Hehe.

I was reading Leviticus tonight, and she was saying something about how she put too much thought into being gay. I know I do the same thing. I put far too much weight on it, to me it's really not a big deal, it's a part of who I am. I don't find it strange, or worthy of much thought. I mean, when I considered myself straight, I never sat around thinking about people's opinions of my sexuality, and in turn me as a person. The more I think about it, the more rediculous it seems. Why should anyone really be made to come out, to declare that they love the same sex, love is simply love, the rest shouldn't really matter.

I also found a really nice diary tonight, actually she found me, but who cares about technicalities? She has such a wonderful writing style, I really like it. She also lives here in Georgia, so she won't give me weird looks when I mention the Waffle House and grits ;)

I am still so amazed, and touched, by the words some people use to describe me. Sometimes I look around, making sure I clicked on the right link, other times I read the same line over and over again, my smile getting bigger each time. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I really do affect people, even if it's just something as simple as making them smile. When people call me inspirational, amazing, brave, honest, I just can't express how much those words touch me. Sometimes seeing words such as those, written about me, has helped me to smile through the day, helped me to push all those dark rainclouds out of my way. I guess it made me realize that no matter how bad my day is, no matter how much I feel like I hate my life, that there is someone out there, even if it is just one person, that looks up to me, that gains some type of strength from me. I guess I could spend my whole life thanking everyone for helping me to see that, but it would never express what I really feel. Speaking of wonderful things written about me, go read Mary's entry about me. It made me smile, a lot :)

Wow, I really didn't mean that to be such a long update, and what's worse is there is actually more I was wanting to talk about, but I realized I have been writing for about an hour, and I only got about four hours of sleep last night, so my body isn't too happy.

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