|
|
|
2001-02-07 Anyway, tonight Jenn wanted me to write a really honest entry, no holding back, so, here goes: If you know me in real life, you know that I have a really bad habbit of not expressing what thoughts are on my mind. I hide my feelings, often both good and bad. I think I picked up this bad trait from my dad. It was actually one of the main reasons why my mom and dad divorced. My dad never could say the three little words that my mom wanted to hear so bad. When I was born, my mom hemmoriged(sp), and after that, my dad was afraid to touch her, afraid that she somehow might get pregnant again and die. He stopped telling her that he loved her, and things just went donw hill from there. I find that "I love you" are also some of the hardest words for me to say. I mean, people say it all the time, and they don't really mean it, and so many people get hurt. When I say it, I always want it to be sure that I mean it, that it comes from my heart. Maybe that's fairytaleish of me, but, it's how I want to be. Sometimes I won't say things in hear, because I know that certain people read it. One of these things was my friend Lauren. She hurt me a lot, and most of the time I try to play it off as if it was no big deal, but it was. The person that I considered my best friend turned around and said things to me, that made me wonder if she had ever really known me at all. In my mind, I had been the best friend thatI knew how to be, I put all that I could into that relationship, and what she said, seemed, to me, to be throwing it in my face, saying that it didn't mean that much to her. Even after all of this, I tried to make the friendship work, because that's how I am. Once I pledge my friendship to someone, I will stand by them until the bitter end. In the end, I kept getting hurt, and I finally decided that I couldn't take anymore, so i stopped trying. Another thing that happened semi recently that I never really mentioned in here, was the fact that my friend jake "came out." It was a bit of a shock, though I had my suspisions, but I'm okay with everything. The fact that he is gay in no way affects the fact that he is one of my best friends. He's been there through some of the hardest times of my life, and I thank him for that. I'll be honest, I don't particularly understand the appeals of that lifestyle, but it won't stop me from supporting him in any way I know how. I mean, at least we can compare guys together..we have the same tastes. Heh, we have more in common than I could ever have imagined :) I talk about Jenn a lot in here, but I never really talk about her. She's my best friend, and she basically knows all my secrets. When I first met her, I wouldn't really let myself get to close, I mean, I had just had a lot of stuff happen with Lauren, and I wasn't too keen on opening myself up for more. With someone as strange as Jenn, you can't help but like them :) Although it took me almost nine months to ever actually see the inside of her house, I pretty much knew that we would be really good friends. She's one of those friends where you finish each other's sentences, blurt out the same thing at the same time, always laugh when you're together. It's a friendship that I hope lasts forever. <-//->
|
