2001-04-08
2:32 a.m.

My mom took my horseback riding today, to try and cheer my up. I guess it worked a little bit, because I got to see some friends of mine that I haven't seen in a year. David, the owner of the stable was the person that taught me almost everything I know about horses. He's one of those "real" cowboys. I have never seen him without his cowboy hat, big belt buckle, and leather boots. It's just a part of who he is. It suits him, it doesn't look at all tacky on him, I mean, he wouldn't be David without it.

It was really nice to see him and his girlfriend Sharon again. It was those two people who helped my love of horses grow. They never went easy on me, if I didn't clean my stall properly, they let me know. They were also there for all the support and compliments one could ever need. I somehow made an impression on them, and they have become close friends..well, as close a friends as a fifty year old and a sixteen year old can be ;) When I had to switch stables, they got in a beautiful grey horse. They knew how much I loved grey horses, so the horse became known has Heather. It seems so silly, but I was really touched by that simple gesture.

Yesterday's entry I think is one of my favorites. It seemed for once I was able to put my thouts onto "paper" without them becoming a big jumble. Sometimes words just seem to be so pointless, but there are those times when everything fits together perfectly.

I am trying so hard not to censor myself in this diary. I mean, I can't help having that feeling that soemone is looking over my shoulder, because I know that Jenn's mom has access to this diary. I'm pretty sure she still reads it. I can't help but think sometimes how much easier it would be to get a new diary, and not worry about it, but I won't do that. I won't run. I am going to speak my mind, I am going to speak the truth. I am hardrain, and no other name I could choose would fit my heart like this one.

I love Jenn. I'm not going to hide that fact. It took me so long to be able to admit that fact to myself, as well at to the people around me, so why should I try and deny it now? Maybe I am young, and maybe I am inexpirienced. I am, however, old enough to recognize how I feel. Would I actually risk the rejection, the ridicule, the hurt that comming out contains if I weren't sure? Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just take it all back. Say it was a big mistake, or one drawn out joke. Then my life would be normal again. My best friend wouldn't be banned from seeing me, my mom and I wouldn't have had so many fights, no one would dislike me, or hate me. Then, there is that moment, the split second where I remember her smile, and remember my smile that matched, when I know why I did it. When I remember why I am going through all this pain, for some goal miles up the road. I remember what it feels like to feel love, and give love in return. I remember what it's like to finally not have to lie to yourself, to be able to go 'wow, she's pretty' and not beat yourself up for hours afterwards. Those are the moments when I know that I have made the right decision. When I know, that no matter how young I am, no matter how many people say I don't know what I am talking about, that I am finally me. That all the heartache is worth it, because I am true to myself.



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