2001-12-04
11:26 p.m.

As I made my new layout tonight, I began to be reminded of Cracker, my horse. The words on the left are from Tara Maclean's "In the Wings." The night that I put Cracker down, I came into my room, and put in the first CD I came across, anything to get my mind of his last breath. Then, "In the Wings" came on, and it reminded me so much of him, and in a way, it soothed me.

"There's a frost in the air, summer doesn't want to play"

The night was cold, but I remember being out there, in wet hair and a t-shirt. I didn't even notice the light mist falling. All that mattered was a piece of me was dying. Everything seemed so calm though, almost as if the whole world has stopped, for just a moment. I sat alone with him, while my mom called the vet, and he looked so old, so wise to me. I sat in the mud, and he nudged my chest, as if he were telling me to let him go.

"They say everything must die, for a new life to begin. In the seasons of our love, I feel the winter setting in"

As I waited, knowing that every second ticking by was one less second I had with him, I cried into him mane. Cracker had been my life saver so many times. When my step-father had a particularly mean yelling match toward me, telling me I was good for nothing. That I didn't deserve my horse, that he was going to go and sell him, I remember desperately wanting to run away. Maybe even wanting to do more than that. My mom took me up to the stable later that night, and I remember the way Cracker looked at me. Almost as if he knew I was hurting. I saddled him up as quick as I could, and I rode. I rode hard. I wanted to feel like I was running away, leaving everything behind me. While I was on his back, it quit mattering, it was only me, and him. The world was ours. He would hold his head high, tail proudly flowing behind him. We were free. When I got back to the stable, I was me again, I had my strength back. I wasn't going to let my step-father get to me, he wasn't going to hurt me like that. Somehow, I think Cracker gave me strength that day. Gave it to me when I needed it the most.

"Through this bitter bitter cold, I always thought that I would have you to hold me, hold me through the storm, and keep me warm, through this bitter bitter cold"

I never really wanted to think about him dying. Sure, I talked about it to my mom, but it wasn't real then. When I found out he had a heart murmur, and that it would slowly take his life, it became too real. He was supposed to always be there for me. I was supposed to be able to cry into his mane any time I needed to. He was my strong hold, and God, I loved him.

"The sun has kissed you cheeks, your tears in my hair. You say it's time to go my friend, you feel it in the air. Like the moon upon the water, gives diamonds to the sea, I pray that when the snow is gone, you'll return to me."

When the vet arrived, I had made my peace. It was time for him to go, to get away from a body that help him prisoner. His ribs protruded from his skin, as if he were a skeleton trying to hide under a fur coat. He lost his noble, free look, and that wasn't Cracker, that wasn't my Cracker. Dr. C, who I didn't yet really know, told me what could be done to save him. I just looked at him, knowing that winter was around the next corner, and that, yes, maybe I could get another month of life out of him, but why? So I could watch even more of the spark go out of his eyes, so that I could watch him fade. With tears in my eyes, I shook my head, nealing in the mud by his face. 'I love you' I told him, placing his head in my lap. Dr. C gave him the euthenasia solution, and I held him as he let out his last breath. 'I'll see you next time around boy.' I told him softly, pulling the blanket over his head. I hugged my Mom. Yeah, the storm had just ended, he was free.

"If there is such a thing as a winter in the spring, then I'll make angels and I'll see you in the wings."

Even now, it's hard to talk about that night, I am crying as I type. I'll always miss him, but I had him, and that's what matters. I got to know him.

I think it's that thought that has helped me get through a lot of situations. My grandmother, she may not be completely here now, but she was there when I needed her. I got to know her, and, I learned so many lessons from her. Jenn. I love her, even now, after all this time. Sure, I would much rather still have her, but I don't. I did though, and she made me stronger. She made me honest with myself. So, while I may not have the actual people (or horse), I have the memories, and the legacy that they left with me. That is what matters.



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