2001-10-07
11:30 p.m.

Today, my dad came with me to the vet clinic. Like I've said before, the relationship I have with my dad is a little confusing. For a while, when my mom was married to my step-father, I was extremely close to my dad. I guess it was my way of assuring myself that all men weren't ass holes. My dad was my idle, and I looked up to him like he was some type of God, in my eyes, he could do no wrong. As I grew older, I slowly began to realize that he wasn't the man I used to think he was. He did things that I wasn't proud of, but I guess everyone does that. Then, came the time when I needed him, needed him to be emotionally there for me, but he clamed up. That's my dad. He couldn't, or wouldn't, listen to me, I mean, he heard what I said, but he didn't HEAR it. Then, years later, when it's brought up in therapy, he puts on this whole surprised act.

For the past four years, I have drifted away from him, as most teenagers do, I guess. I still love him, he's my dad, always and forever. We've basically reached an agreement, I don't understand him, and he doesn't understand me. I think my problem with this little arrangement, is he doesn't even really try to get me, to see who I am. In his eyes, I'm still the four year old little girl, crying "do again daddy." He wants me to be perfect, and when I'm not, when things in my life don't play out to that schedule he has, he's angry, and disappointed. He doesn't want his daughter to be a vet. 'Why can't you be a doctor?' He says, 'They make more money' he states. The sad truth, I don't like people as a whole, and he can't grasp that, so he ignores it.

Okay, didn't mean to get off on a rant about him. Today, I asked him to come to the clinic with me. I'm the only one there on Sundays, so I thought it would be a good time to show him what I do, show him what makes me happy. At first, he was himself. 'Those dogs are wild Heather, I don't want you messing with them.' It's my job dad, and they are not wild. 'That dog looks mean, and scared, he might bite you, why don't you get someone else to let him out.' Dad. this dog has been here for a month, the only thing he has bitten has been his dinner. He finally decided to be quiet, and let me do my job. Then, he started asking questions about why each dog was there. He was surprised when I was able to tell him the history of the dogs, asking me how I could keep them all straight. I explained that I loved my job, and it just came naturally. I don't know, maybe he saw that light in my eyes, but he suddenly wanted to help. Suddenly, he was washing dishes, and scrubbing cages, talking to me the whole time. Then I remembered, sort of what it was like to be close to him again.

I then showed him around the clinic, telling him funny stories. He came down to the barn with me, helping me with Dr. C's horse. Only getting scared once, when O-zone stomped his foot. (this is a big accomplishment for my dad.) Then, on the way back up to the clinic, my dad grabs the basketball, and points to the hoop. So, we goofed around for twenty minutes, playing basketball. I now know where I got my skills..or should I say, lack of skills. It was fun though, and deffinately far away from our normal co-existance.

I talked to Ashley today, for the first time in a while. It just reminded me that friends come in so many different ways. A year ago, I had no idea that I would consider her one of my best friends. I mean, she was just some girl who's diary I found interesting. I guess it just adds proof to the fact that you never really know how you will affect someone's life, or how, they, in turn, will affect yours. Look at Jenne, she found a diary she liked, and now, she has a wonderful girlfriend. The first time she read that diary, absorbed those words, did she have any idea that she would love that girl? I find things like that facinating. The idea of fate, and circumstance. I guess, in a way, it makes every day worth living. Who can I meet today? How will my life be affected? Will I make someone smile?

Oh, and Mary, Gilly is mine :)

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