2001-10-14
6:50 p.m.

Last night, I went to a movie with my dad, and half way through the movie, I started having a pretty bad panic attack. Bleh. I finally ended up having to leave, and call my mom. I felt really bad, because I hardly ever go anywhere with my dad, but I couldn't stay there any longer. As I sat outside on the sidewalk, I watched people walk by. Everyone seemed so happy, bouncing around at the ticket booth. The more I watched them, the more I could feel hot tears of frustration welling up. I know I have a mental disorder, but it still makes me so angry and frustrated that I can't even go and see a stupid movie. I had my back up against a brick pillar, trying not to cry, while I watched people walk past me.

I saw two girls walking towards the theater, their shoulder brushing as they walked. When they thought no one was looking, the one girl reached over, and squeezed the other girls hand. They smiled at each other, and continued walking, shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart. I smiled at that. For some reason, it just made me feel better.

Then, I watched as a fourteen year old girl stepped out of the car of her eighteen year old boyfriend. The car was blasting rap music as load as the speakers could go, and the guy passed the girl a ciggerette. The guy went to part, and I listened to the conversation the girl had with her friend. I sat quietly against my little pillar, feeling sorry for this girl. She was so young, and already, her life was spiraling our of control. She'd had sex with him, and now she thought she might be pregnant. I watched her puff away on her ciggarette, as she continued to talk. Fourteen years old, and already looking at possibly having a baby. It made me wonder what happened to youth. It seems no one is young anymore, we go from dipers to condoms in two seconds flat.

I talked to a friend of mine the other night. A girl I have known since I was three. She told me she had started NA (narcotics annonymous) about a week previous. I asked her if she had been clean since then, and she laughed, saying that was a funny idea, but that she had cut down to fridays before and after school, saturdays, and sundays, and at parties. I told her that I was proud she had cut down. She then said something about not wanting to cut down, because 'pot never killed anyone.' I hurt for this girl, so young, only thirteen.

She then said something about how family time at her house consisted of her and her parents sitting around smoking pot. They did it every friday, and it was their family togetherness time. For some reason, that just made me sick to my stomach. How could her parents condone this, almost encourage it.

This girl has been having sex since she was ten, with multiple partners, not always using protection. I never want to judge people, because it hurts to be judged, so I just try and be there, giving the best advice I know how. I have begged her, if she won't practice abstinence, to just use a condom, but she won't. I don't want to sit by her bedside, watching her die of aids, and I don't want her to be faced with raising a child a fourteen. Her parents won't really do anything to stop her. I listen to her talk about her new boyfriend of the week, and part of me wants to slap her, knock some sense into her. Doesn't she realize she has her whole life ahead of her.

Sometimes, this thirteen year old girl goes to parties, and gets drunk, and she can't remember who she slept with. Her grandmother died of lung cancer caused by ciggarette smoke. I remember sitting by this girl, her face covered in tears, watching her grandmother slowly fade away. Now, I am afraid this girl will meet the same end. She smokes, does drugs, drinks, has sex. I don't want to watch her die, but I don't know what to do.

Am I over reacting to this? Am I just one of those teenagers who is far too serious because I don't go out and smoke, drink, and do drugs. Maybe I am. I just don't want her to look back on her life, and hate what she sees. She is still so young, but with the experience of a thirty year old. I don't want to watch her die.

Karima is doing wonderfuly, thanks to all who have inquired about her. In the two days she has been her, I have already seen amazing changes in her. When she came here, she was afraid of the other dogs, wouldn't move an inch away from me, she wouldn't even eat unless you were standing gaurd over her. Today, she plays with the other dogs, eats like a pig, and hasn't stopped wagging her little stub of a tail. I can really see the beauty in her now. She's happy, and I am glad I had a part of that.

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