2001-05-11
10:23 p.m.

Well, I'm still hanging on to my good mood, although my week hasn't exactly been shaping up to be the week I had hoped it to be. Yesterday, I went to the vets as I had planned, and the morning was wonderful. My favorite vet tech, Kathy, was there, and she was joking around as usual. Dr. C was allowing me to help out a lot, and there were hopes that a pregnant mare was going to deliver before the day was out.

I also had a good laugh about a dog that was being boarded there. It was a little Chuwawa(sp?) named Tazzy. Now, the lady that owned this dog had to be one of the biggest control freaks on the planet. The dog, had to poop on command, any other time would result in punishment. So, when we would take him out to the bathroom, we were forced to humiliate ourselves by repeatedly stating the command "Go stink stink Tazzy." As people would wonder in for their appointments, they would cast strange looks at whichever vet tech was forced to take the dog out. Then, this little dog would get one spoonfull of cat food with his dry dog food. The cat food had to be warmed in the microwave for fifteen seconds, then cut into bite size pieces. As if that weren't enough, the dog wouldn't touch his food until given the command "Tear is up Tazzy." The little instruction list that was given was so funny to read..if I ever become that obsessive about my dogs, please shoot me.

So, I was having a great time, when Dr. F comes in, and pulls me out of surgery, asking me to go and keep an eye on his son. Now, I found that a little weird, considering he always left his son in the car, and never worried, but I didn't question. So, I'm sitting in his truck, and happen to look out the rear view mirror, when I see my mom's car speed into the parking lot. Dr. F son is sound asleep, so I burst out of the truck, running to see why my mom showed up. She tells me that our dog Maggie had been hit by a truck. Maggie seemed so listless, so I told my mom to watch Dr. F son, and I rushed Maggie into the clinic. I get her back into the exam room, and she seems okay. There were no broken bones that I could see, and she wagged her tail to see me, so I didn't think she had any head trauma. Dr. C comes in, and we get Maggie to walk around, and it seems like everything is fine. Dr. C said that she didn't seem to have any internal bleeding, but she wanted to roll Maggie on her back, just to do one final check. Well, as I am helping to roll Maggie over, I happen to apply a little pressure around where her bladder would be, blood came squirting out. Not only did that freak me out, but Dr. C as well.

We then rush Maggie into X-ray, as she continues to bleed. The X-rays didn't show us anything, and the ultra sound machine was being used by another vet on the road. Dr. C then inserts a tube into Maggie's bladder to see if she could determine where the blood was coming from. I went out into the waiting room to tell my mom what was going on, and offered to let her come back and watch. Dr. C then asks me to hold a bucket, and allow the blood to drain into it. I sat there, watching as the blood came in a steady stream. I felt as if I was just watching her slip away, I so much wanted to do something, anything. I felt like I was powerless to do anything, like I was fighting some enemy that I was in no way prepared to conquer.

We finally got the ultrasound machine, and gave Maggie an ultrasound. I was just praying that Maggie's kidney's hadn't ruptured, because that was the going guess. Luckily, as in a dog hit by truck luckily circumstance, Maggie only had a hematoma around her left kidney. Dr. C said with rest and fluids she should be fine. They are keeping her until tomorrow just to be sure. Dr. C teased me that I seemed to learn a lot while at the clinic, but it unfortunately always seemed to be on my own animals. I realized though, even as I sat there fearing for my dogs life, that I wanted to be a vet more than ever. I wanted to be able to save an animal in Maggie's condition. I just thank God that Maggie will be okay, because I don't think I can handle a dog's death at this point in time.

My mom seems to have "caught" my depression. I'm working so hard on making myself feel better, but my mom seems to be sinking deeper into that hole. Today she told me she almost wishes she were never born, that she is worthless as a person. She said that I was the only good thing that came out of her life, and the rest of it was just a waste. I didn't really know how to respond to that. I mean, I tried telling her how many people she had helped, and how many lives she had touched. She ignorned me though, continuing on how she was just shit, as she put it. I want to help her so much, but I don't know how. I am trying so hard to get out of my depression, trying to get back to the me that I love. I'm afraid that my mom will uknowingly pull me back down into the hole that I am trying so hard to climb out of. I am going to do everything in my power to avoid falling back down again.



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