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2001-04-09 I am so tired of worrying about money. I listen to my mom asking me how much is left in my college fund. She's already borrowed most of it, there isn't too much left. For her to consider going to my dad a second time, and pleading for money shows how desperate the situation is. She's started talking about what we could sell, who we could ask for money. I hate it. My mom still doesn't want me to get a job, but I think I am going to start looking anyway. I feel I have got to help out somehow. My mom tells me that it's not my job to support her, that I should enjoy being a kid for the time I have left, but I am not going to stand in the corner watching as we slowly circle the drain. The stress of the money problems is really getting to my mom. She's began to have chest pains again. Her mood has gotten worse. When she gets stressed, she takes it out on me. She doesn't mean too, and she feels horrible afterwards, but it normally doesn't help me in the moment that it's happening. I hate for people to be angry at me, so when she yells, I always feel like scum afterwards. That's just me though. Then there is everything going on with Jenn. I can't help but feel that the hard times she is having right now are my fault. I mean, I know that no one is to blame, but I hate for people to hurt. We talked about what would happen if something like this were to occur long before we went out on that first date. We were prepared for it, or as prepared as you can be for something like this to happen. The month where we were together, even with all it's troubles, was one of the happiest times of my life. Both of our lives. We decided, though, that we won't let distance beat us, it's just a matter of time, and I am willing to wait. Still doesn't stop the heart from hurting. Then, the things with my grandmother, and my great aunt and uncle. My grandmother with her stroke. There are times when I want to call her up, and get her advice on something. I never realized how much I relied on her until I didn't really have it anymore. Then I am watching my great aunt slowly disappear with alzheimers. She's gone, all that's left is a shell of her body. Then, my uncle, he lives in pain, everything is wrong with him, but he can't escape it. I hate watching him with all that is wrong with him. I just want to fix it, I want to help, but there is nothing I can do. I feel as if I am being pulled in a billion different directions. I want it all to stop. I know that I will make it through it, and that everything will work out, but I am tired. It's been one thing after another for the past four years, never a break. I mean, I know this is life, I know that. I just...I feel like I am unraveling. <-//->
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