2001-11-15
11:11 p.m.

So, date didn't happen tonight :( My mom ended up having to go to my grandparents tonight and ask for money, which left her in a down spiraling mood. Running off to see a play with another girl just didn't seem the right thing to do. She ended up asking for eight thousand dollars. She cried the whole way home, refusing to let me drive. She continued to berate herself, saying what a horrible mother she must be to let us get into this situation. How stupid she must have been. Nothing I said, or did, seemed to help at all.

I hate being left in limbo, where will I live next week? Next month? I mean, I know if things get really bad, we can move in with my grandparents. I am just not comfortable doing that, but I guess at a certain point, comfort becomes non important. The plan now is to put the house up for sale in a few weeks. With the money we make from this, pay off the mortgage, and buy some land, and stick a trailer on it. Once we get back on our feet, then we can build a house, and get horses. So, I am trying to look for the best side of this. It won't be all bad. I hate to move, but, in the end, it will all be better. I hope..

Then, for even better news, I got on my grandfather's computer tonight to get Joanna's phone number from an E-mail, when I notice something on his history. "hardrain.diaryland.com" Okay, breathing escalates, cold sweat on the back of my neck, cuss words flying through my head. If he's read this diary, then he knows I am a lesbian. Shit. That is something I never wanted him to know. I don't know for sure that he has seen it, because I know I looked at my site at one point over at his house..but that was at least nine months ago.. My grandfather doesn't seem like the type of person to snoop, infact, he hardly knows how to work the computer, but I just don't know. If you are reading this Pop, please tell me..

I figure, if he knows, he knows. I am who I am, and I am proud of it. I love me. I can't, and won't, ever go back to lying to myself about that. It ate away at my insides, and I don't want that feeling to overwhelm me again. I love my grandfather, and I hope that his love is as unconditional as mine, and he can love and accept me anyway I come. Tonight, he pulled me onto his lap, literally, and reminded me that I would never be too big to sit on his lap, and I would always be his baby. So, if he does know, it hasn't affected that. That's unconditional.



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