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February 10, 2003 You know those weeks where you wish you could just erase them, and start all over? Yeah, well this has been one of those weeks. I came home around ten last night, from work, and, as I turned into my driveway, I saw a flash of gray on the road. I was too afraid to look, so, I drove down the driveway, ran into the house, and asked my Mom if Gray-gray was inside. She shook her head at me, and said she had called him, but he didn't come. I dropped whatever it was I was holding in my hand. I knew now what the flash of gray was. I jumped back in my truck, went to the top of the driveway, ran to the small lump of fur in the road, and saw my kitten lying there. I dropped down, even though it was pouring rain, and cradled his lifeless body to my chest. He was long gone, and, even if I had gotten to him earlier, there would have been nothing I could have done. I could feel the blood in his abdomen, and he had a broken leg. My only hope is that he went fast. When I came back to the house, I held him in my arms, as I cried into my Mom's arms for quite a while. I feel partially responsible. When I was leaving for work, I saw Gray sneak out. I tried to grab him, but he dashed off. As I was driving out of the driveway, I saw him playing in the grass. I almost stopped the truck to get him, but it was so nice outside, I decided I would leave him out to play. I looked at him through my rear view mirror as I drove off, and, that was the last time I ever saw him alive. I keep seeing his face, I keep crying. I can't keep going through this. I mean, I know cats get out, and get hit by cars all the time, but, it's not supposed to happen to my kittens. My miracle kittens. At least I can remember that I gave him life, he would have died at two weeks of age, and I gave him a chance. But he was so young, he had so much life. Who ever hit him didn't even stop, just left him there, in the middle of the road. My sweet sweet Gray. It seems more real this morning, more real as I write it here. My Mom is getting married in four days, and I still dislike Roger. I am uncomfortable with him, and, to be honest, I spend most of my day avoiding him as much as I can. It doesn't matter though, Mom doesn't really care. I had to bail Mom out again as far as money goes. She went and spent all this money on the wedding, money she didn't have, and was going to bounce five or six checks, so, I transfered money that I don't have into her account to stop that. Then, she "forgot" to pay the phone bill, so, we had no phone for a while. I took my truck into the shop the other day, because it was acting really weird. It has been since they fixed it the last time. A little over a hundred dollars later, they claimed it was fixed. It drove great for one day, then started doing the same thing all over again. Right now, since I gave my Mom my money, I don't have the funds to get it fixed again. I can't keep supporting my Mom, it's starting to really affect me. Something has got to change, I can't keep doing this. I am tired of death, tired of fighting with myself, tired of second guessing my decisions, I am just tired of it all. <-//->
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