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2001-08-22 My mom is depressed, because the money situation just isn't going to work out. No matter what we do, we aren't goint to be able to keep this house. My mom has even borrowed money out of my college fund, so we are really at our last rope. Part of me really doesn't want to move, I am comfortable here, this is home, but there is also that part of me that wants a new start somewhere else. My mom and I have already decided to stay near this area, because I really love it, but we are most likely going to move more toward the vet clinic, as the area out there is very nice, and very cheap. Just seeing my mom depressed about it all really tears me up. She thinks she's a failure, which is crazy. She's a wonderful mother. She has bent over backwards to give me everything I could ever want or need, she's not a failure. I just wish she could see the good in her, the good that I see. Then, I'm still having troubles lying to people. I have always tried to be an honest person, and to keep a secret from those I love..it just hurts me. I want to be able to share that part of my life with them, it's not something that I am ashamed of. I'm comfortable, I'm happy with it. I am still that girl that wants everyone else to be happy though. I know that by lying to them, my family, that they will remain happy. Sure, they will find it weird that I never seem to have a boyfriend, but they will be so busy being happy, thinking I am that perfect little girl, that they won't ever question. It just continues to be a stress on me. After giving blood, Rowdy developed a hematoma on his neck. It began to leak some type of fluid, so I took him into the clinic (on my day off..like I ever actually get those..hehe) and we got him on some antibiotics. It's not any better at all, and now his neck is starting to get kind of raw around it. So, I'm worried about him. I just can't seem to figure out what's wrong, taking blood shouldn't have done this to him. The good news, however, is the little dog he donated to is doing a billion times better, and is going to go home soon. Then, I went to babysit. Blah. I spent an hour arguing with the eight year old about the fact that he -was- going to eat the pizza I made, and not anything else. That just made for more screaming, whining, and crying. I eventually one in the end, and he ended up eating two pieces..imagine that. Then I listened to the eleven year old say something about how her friend said I was going to molest her, or some crap like that. I just looked at her 'I think you know me better than that.' I then had her sit down, and I talked to her. I asked her, if when she thought I was straight, did she think I was going to molest her brother. She said no. Then I asked her what made her think I would do anything like that to her. She shrugged and said it was a stupid thought. I agreed, and the night continued on smoothly. I am amazed at some of the stupid rediculous sterotypes that surround things people don't know much about. I may like girls, but it doesn't mean I am going to go and jump every thing around me that has breasts. No chickens for me thank you very much. So, yeah, I was sure the day was going to end as one of those ho-hum days, until I got home. First, I found a lovely E-mail from Angeldarknes, which lifted my spirits a lot, as lovely E-mail always do. Then, upon checking my stats, I saw that I have had 645 page views. I know that it's not that big a deal, and it really shouldn't matter how many people look at my diary, but I won't say it didn't make me feel good :) Then, I found an entry that Oriana had posted a while back, and it made me smile. It made me remember that sometimes, the best realization, and thoughts can come when least expected. There were several other little things like that that just made me realize that today wasn't that bad. I guess it just made me remember what I am all about. Finding my rainbow. So, each day, I am making a pact to find a little light, something that makes it good. I'm going to be finding my rainbow. <-//->
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