2002-01-03
5:43 p.m.

My new year is already off to a rocky start. My grandfather went into the hospital with a pinched nerve new year's eve, which has left the fingers on his right hand numb. I was okay with that, but, the next day, my grandmother went into the hospital. After tests, the doctor has told us that she is on the end stage of renal failure. They said that at the absolute most, she has six months left.

I know that everyone eventually has to die, but why can't my grandmother live forever? There has never been a time in my life where I haven't been able to turn to her. Even times when I wouldn't tell her what was wrong, she still would stroke my hair, assuring me everything would be fine, never asking questions. This really was my last Christmas with her. This is the last new year she will see. ::deep sigh:: I can't think like that, I know it. I just have to treasure every single minute I have with her.

It's affecting my mom a lot, she just doesn't seem to know what to do..or think. I know I can't help her ease the pain. I know the fear she is feeling right now, because I felt it when she was in the hospital. Except, my fear didn't come true..her's is happening right before our eyes.

Sometimes, I wonder about pain, emotional pain. When is it going to ease up? When will I be able to hear her words, and not gasp at the pain that radiates through my soul. It's too much to explain.

It snowed here in Georgia, about six inches. It made everything beautiful, peaceful. I was at work yesterday, and, even with clients driving in, I went and danced in the falling snow. Throwing my hands in the air, twirling around in the middle of the parking lot, and laughing. Smiling at the sky. Since my mom was at the hospital with my grandmother, I stayed with Leslie, and this morning, as we woke up to a world blanketed in white, I was okay. For a while this morning, I wasn't thinking about my grandmother, I wasn't missing my friendship with Jenn, I wasn't even busy worrying about things I have no control over. Leslie and I made a snowman, and then, as I promised to my horse Cracker, I made snow angels. Even as I layed there, in the snow, I was warm. Warm because he was there with me. I know, that when my grandmother does go, Cracker will be there, his neck arched, tail held high, to take her home.

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