2002-08-20
10:45 p.m.

The past few days have been pretty sucky. Saturday had me standing in on another emergency colic surgery, except, this time, I knew the horse. He had been at the clinic for three weeks having treatments on his eyes, and now, here he was, laid out on the surgery table, for a whole different reason. Two hours into the surgery, I watched Dr. C's face drop, or what I could see of her face beneath the mask. She pulled out an area of intestine that had blackened due to loss of blood supply. Dr. Myers made a phone call to the owner, and the next thing I know, he is holding euthanasia solution, and Dr. C is crying. Never have I seen tears fall from her eyes. She has teared up, and gotten choked up, but never has she let the tears fall unchecked. "I can save him." She repeated over and over in a continuous mantra, but the owners wishes were clear, no life saving procedure was to be done. The horse was put to sleep on the table.

Dr. Myers flippantly told Dr. C to throw a couple of sutures in the wound, just to keep the intestines in, and not worry about it. I watched her face, the face of a surgen, a doctor, an animal lover, and I knew she would never do that. I left the room, giving her time to make her peace with a case she wasn't allowed to save. When I returned, the incision was sutured perfectly, meeting in an even line. I know, that as this horse is lowered into his dust grave, the knots formed by the hands of a wonderful surgen will remain. Knots not only forged from a skilled hand, but forged from a deeper passion and sorrow.

Today, I spent nine hours sraight in a room taking tests. I am now happy to say I have completed my GED. I am confident that I did well, even if my mind was completely numb. I finished every test at least thirty minutes early, and was forced to do nothing but stare at the wall until everyone else was finished. I think I got to nine hundred bumps on the wall before I got a headache. The room was also kept at a temperature so frigid that my fingers were becoming numb, and turning a slight shade of blue. Nine hours in the cold environment. ::Shivers::

Then, a guy who was in most of my testing classes tried to hit on my on the way to the parking lot. He was sweet, but unfortunately not my gender of choice.

I know that people are supposed to change, that it's a matter of life, but why is it that the changing of other people can cause me to hurt. I guess I sort of know why. I care too much, far too much, and it hurts to see someone change, and grow farther away from me. Especially someone I care about so deeply. ::Shrugs::

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