2001-04-27
1:16 a.m.

For the past few mornings, I have been getting up in time to see the sun rise. It's like there is some force calling me to my window, or calling me outside. I have to folow. It's amazing to watch the sky, turn from a dismal grey, into different shades of pink and orange. The sun wipes away all the shadows and cold of night. The dew on the grass sparkles, and the air is cool and crisp. I'm not sure why I have been drawn to watching the sun every morning, maybe it's to assure myself that it is in fact a new day. That the mistakes and problems of yesterday are behind me, I'm starting with a clean slate.

I've found myself staring at a picture of me on my horse Cracker lately. In the picture, he is in a canter, and I'm on him. I wasn't aware my mom was taking a picture, so I am completely concetrated on riding. In the picture I look so serious, but then again, I look so free and happy. Cracker has his head help high, his tail flowing behind him, his legs moving fluidly. He was alive, as was I. I'm searching for that feeling again. My horses used to be my quick cure for anything. Going out into the pasture, a full moon over head, grabing a bridle, and jumping on my horse bareback. When I was on a horse, every thing around my was forgotten. Now, I find myself wondering out to Crackers grave, and talking to him, pouring out my soul to him, before crying because I can't get the release that riding gave me.

Drawing used to give me a similar release. I would be so focused on getting the picture right, making it match the image in my head, that I went into my own little world. A bomb could have gone off, and I wouldn't have noticed. I can't seem to get there lately, it's like there is a dark cloud circling over me. I know it's part of my depression, but I keep trying to beat it. I sat today, with a pencil and a stack of paper, and tried for three hours to draw a picture. I now have a dull pencil, and a trashcan full of crumpled papers.

Of course, you didn't think I was going to go a whole diary entry without mentioning Jenn did you. I also found that little world when I was with Jenn. It scares me, in a way, that she has that affect on me. That her simple presence can make me drunk with happiness. When I am with her, it feels like nothing can really go wrong. Although it scares me at times, at other times I can't imagine it any other way. I trust her with that part of me, with that part of my heart.

Maybe that's why I watch the sunrise every morning, because for a few moments, it transports me into that world. A world where everything amazes me, and I am innocent again. Where it seems that where ever such a beautiful sky is created, there nothing wrong or currupt. Maybe I should paint a sunrise, so I can look at it anytime I need that world, maybe that can be my new release. A release on loan until I get Jenn back.

<-//->