2001-04-30
10:07 p.m.

Remember that breaking point I was talking about? Well, I got there tonight. I was hoping I could prevent it from hitting by writing the entry I wrote earlier today, but it didn't work. Everything was going okay, and then my mom told me she was going to stay at the hospital with my grandmother again tonight. For some reason, with everything that has happened, it just hit me. I couldn't handle going to my dad's house tonight. I feel out of place there, and uncomfortable. I mean, it's nothing he or my step-mother have done, I just don't feel like I fit in over there, in their world of perfectness. My mom didn't want me to stay here alone, which I understand, but I could not go to my dad's tonight. I spent last night crying myself to sleep because everything was closing in on me, and I can't really get away from those thoughts at my dad's house. I just kept thinking in my head, that if I went over there tonight, everything that I have been trying not to deal with would hit me, and I really didn't want to have my nice little emotional breakdown while over there. I think my dad would freak out, he hasn't seen me when I get like this. Well, this turned into an argument. I guess I am just overly sensitive today, and I just started crying, and when I started crying, all that stuff I was trying not to deal with hit me like a ton of bricks.

Before I knew what was happening, I found myself in my bathtub, curled up in the corner, crying. I couldn't stop, and everytime the tears would slow, I'd start thinking again, and more would come. My mom finally called up my dad, and told him that I didn't want to come over. That just made me start crying more, because I know that hurt his feelings. I didn't want to tell him, because he is always so happy when I come over, and here my mom is telling him I don't want to come over. I feel like some horrible person now, maybe I should have just gone over there, and locked myself in my room, and cried after they went to bed. Whenever I have these little breakdown things, I just have to cry. I guess it's just my way of relieving myself of all those pent up emotions that I am bad at expressing.

I'm sure I'll pull out of this, I have a strong spirit, it just has to rest sometimes. Like Mary said in my guestbook, those leaks in my umbrella just have to be patched up. I'm strong enough to make it through.

"I'm strong enough
strong enough
to walk alone
walk alone
and smart enough lord to know to
I'm strong enough
strong enough"

Jess Klein "Strong Enough"

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