2001-04-23
5:40 p.m.

Well, it turns out that I'm not going up to the lake for a few more days. I had forgotten about my therapy appointment, which is on wednesday, so it seemed pointless to go up there for less than a day. There's no way I'm canceling my therapy, I am not ashamed to admit that I need it, and it helps me. I might go up later this week though, I'll have to see how I'm feeling.

It's amazing how a smell, or a sound can bring back certain memories. How just the simple smell of a special kind of soap can make you recall memories so vividly that you feel as if you are living through them again. Today it was the smell of honey suckles. One wiff, and I was back in my old neighborhood, only ten years old, all the kids that lived around me flocked to my house, becuase I had the best bushes. We would fight to get the yellow flowers, which held the sweetest honey. Even though I could have pulled rank, being not only the oldest, but also being the girl who lived in the house, I never did. I wanted everyone to have a fair oppurtunity. I was the only ten year old I knew that would give up a good yellow honey suckle flower to allow one of the smaller children the pleasure.

When I went to the movie theater the other day with my mom, I walked by a group of, what I am guessing to be sixth graders. They were talking about some guy who they deamed cute, and once again I feel as if I missed out on some important part of my youth. In middle school, all the girls bond while talking about the newest single guy. Whenever anyone would begin on one of those tirades, I was always the first to walk away. I'd rather sit in a corner of a class room, by myself, reading, than to listen to them. Most girls, when they reach that age, spend most of thier time talking about guys, so I found myself spending a lot of time alone.

I have always been annoyed when girls or guys are materialized. I was reading Gjacenta'sdiary today, and she was saying how strange she found it that she wasn't really physically attracted to people, but more emotionally attracted. All I can say is you aren't alone. I've never been one to drool over any man, or womans body. If they are pretty, great, if they aren't, fine. Relationships have always been emotional for me. Physical attraction will fade, no matter how much you try and stall it. Everyone will get wrinkles, and beauty will fade. It's a persons soul that remains the same year after year. It sounds cliche', and over said, but I actually follow that. Soome of the people I have had crushes on haven't been beautiful, or handsome. Others wouldn't have given them a second glance, but I liked who they were on the inside. I fell in love with Jenn on the inside, I fell in love with the person she was, but I also find her beautiful.

I also hold sex on that highly emotional level. I can't see myself ever having sex with anyone that I wasn't truely in love with. It could never be a one night stand with me. Whether I have sex with a man or a woman, it would have to be someone that I could see forever with. Someone that I wouldn't mind waking up to every morning. Sex, to me, is all about emotion, it's about showing someone physicaly what you feel on the inside. It's about love.

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