2001-07-30
9:52 p.m.

Everyday, people die. Whether it's suddenly, or something that has been coming for a long time. Once you take your last breath, it's over. Everything you meant to do, all the tomorrows, they mean nothing. All that matters is what you did. What was already done. I thought a lot today. Do I want to take my last breath, having meant to do this and that. Having spent most of my life too concerned for other people to be concerned for myself?

For the past hour, I have sat crying at my computer. Over a lot of things really. I hate to admit that I was crying. I know that it doesn't neccessarily mean weakness, and that people won't think any less of me, but I still cringe when I admit it. I can already forsee that this entry will probably get me in a lot of trouble, but I have to do it for myself. I have to fix that hole inside of me.

I am seventeen years old, and already, I try and carry the weight of the world on my shoulder. When someone hurts, I try and blame it on myself. When my mom has a chest pain, I get scared, because I know that one day, it won't just be chest pain, that it will be the end. When I talk to my grandparents on the phone, I know it may be the last time. Everytime I fail at trying to get passed my stupid panic attacks, I see my future slipping away. I can hardly call to order pizza, how am I supposed to go to college? I am losing faith in myself, and I know my mom is too. I try so hard, but sometimes, I just can't. I physically can't. I am sick of myself for it. Why can't I just be normal?

I keep all my problems to myself. I even hide things from Jake, the guy who is supposed to be my best friend. I know it hurts him when I shut myself off, not letting him near, but I can't help it. I avoid dealing with my problems, doing anything and everything to keep myself from thinking about them.

Then, there is Jenn. She asked me to move on, and I said okay. I lied to her. I lied to myself. I have even managed to lie to my friends, and you readers. I have become someone I hate. I hate myself for still loving her, for not being able to just forget, to just move on. I have become one of those teenagers who is still stuck in neutral over a relationship. I have become one of those teenagers that I think are stupid for hanging on. She said she hated me, and I wanted to hate her back. God knows I tried. Instaed, I ended up backing down, going off into a corner, and licking my wounds like a wolf who lost a battle. I couldn't make myself hate her. I just cried, adding another band-aid to my heart, and kept loving her.

I keep wondering what is wrong with me. Why am I holding on to something that is obviously not there anymore? I don't even know the answer myself. I honestly told her all of my secrets, something I haven't done with anyone else. I made it easier for her to hurt me, so I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised when I got hurt. I know she got hurt too. I still consider her my best friend, even though I know she just wants me out of the picture. It's funny when the person you need the most, is the person who can't have you far enough away.

I'm not trying to sound like I want sympathy, because I don't. I know that I am partly doing this to myself by not letting go. I am trying to let go, but it's just so much harder than I ever thought possible. I hate that I can't just let go, because I know that it has to hurt her for me to be as pathetic as I am sure I sound. I never ever wanted to hurt her, or anyone, I just wanted to love. I wanted to love freely. It didn't happen, it became too complicated, there's nothing I can do about it now, I can't change the past. Even if I could..I don't know if I would do anything differently. I have learned so much, and grown so much as a person from this. I learned how to fight for myself. I wish with all my heart that the circumstances had ended differently, but it takes two. Even after everything, I love her as much as I did in the begining, and I still trust her above all others. That will never change. I am working on it, and I am sure that I will move on, but it doesn't change the way I feel.

So, I am sure with that I have just screwed up any chances at all I had of getting my friendship with Jenn back. I debated a long time about whether to write it or not, but, I don't know if there was even a chance before I wrote that. I just couldn't lie any more, not to her, and not to myself.

I am slowly making steps to better myself. To stop hiding behind a mask of strength, and perfection.



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