April 17, 2005
6:30 p.m.

This entire week just really sucked. I hate horse anesthesia, mainly because it is so tricky. If you get a horse too deep, it's hard to get them back. I've really had no formal training, so the doctor mainly relies on me to let them know what's going on so they can tell me propper drug dosages to keep the horse under. A former employee and friend dropped off her pony for a routine surgery. It was supposed to be quick and simple. We basically just laid the pony out in the recovery stall, and we were going to do the whole surgery in their just under injectible anesthetics (meaning we didn't hook the pony up to oxygen and inhaled gas anesthesia). Everything was going fine, the pony was breathing and his pulse was good. I was checking his blink response, which is an indicator of how deep an animal is. They should always blink when the area around their eye is touched. He had it, and then exactly a minute later it was gone. I listened to his heart with a stethascope and could clearly make out a beat, although it was very quiet compared to how they normally were. We gave him a drug to induce breathing and waited a second for his respiration to pick up. It didn't. I then handed the stethascope to a doctor, because they can often pick up small abnormalities with the heart that I am not trained enough to hear. This time, there was no heartbeat. We began CPR, but there was no response. Once Dr. C went in to call the owner, I sat on the floor beside the pony's head and began to cry. I've never lost an animal under anesthesia. It's always been one of my biggest fears. Knowing that this horse belonged to a friend made it that much worse. I began to second guess myself. What did I do wrong? What should I have noticed sooner? Why? After I pulled myself together I talked with Dr. C, asking her all of those questions. She just shook her head at me, telling me quietly that it wasn't my fault. I did everything I was supposed to do. I know that's what she said, but part of me will always wonder, you know, if I had noticed something just a few seconds sooner.... *sigh*

If that whole fiasco wasn't enough, two days later, we had to go out and euthanise another one of this woman's horses. Dr. C started to cry with me in the truck on the way back. I never know quite how to handle a crying Dr. C. She is so damn stoic that when she starts to cry, you begin to wonder when the world is going to end. We ended up just sitting in silence lost in our own thoughts.

Then, Friday, Michelle pulls me into the office and tells me to be extra sensitive to Dr. C on Monday. Dr. C is known for her bad attitude. I love her to death, but she is not the easiest person to get along or work with. She's not above temper tantrums, and is sometimes even rude to clients. A people person she isn't. Her heart belongs fully and completely to the animals, which is all fine and good, but it doesn't make for good doctor/client relations. Anyway, she has apparently been put on a 90 day probation period, and if her demenor doesn't change then....yeah. Michelle told me that even if she does get fired, I'll still have a job. Dr. C is the reason I have stayed there as long as I have. She's more than a coworker, she's a very good friend. She told Michelle that she would try, but that she didn't think she could do it. I don't know, I know she's been somewhat unhappy lately, so maybe it's for the best. I just wish I knew of some way to help her. She just allows so few people close to her. I don't know, I just hope she doesn't leave. I just want to forget this entire week.

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