2002-03-08
7:59 p.m.

Last night, as I sat in bed, unable to sleep, I allowed my mind to weave thoughts that I have been avoiding. Just ignore it, it will all go away, everything will be fine..or that's what I would like to think at times. I came to a conclusion, one that was somewhat painful, and one that I didn't want to believe. Life's funny though. After I had made this conclusion, I find out that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong. Maybe it isn't so black and white. Maybe time is a healer. I wish life would give me a straight answer sometimes. Perhaps I'm just afraid to ask the right question though, afraid of what the answer might be. I guess this is just a paragraph for me to understand.

I am feeling slightly better now, who knows if my fever is just playing games, or if it's gone for good. I shall just have to wait and see.

I am even more angry at this sickness now though, because I missed Dr. Fuller and Dr. Thomas' surprise party. The clinic all chipped in, and we got Dr. Fuller a string bikini thong thing with a lock on the front part, and a key dangling from it. He was very skeptical about touching it, then pulled it out of the bad, and put it up to his face 'Look, it's a surgical mask.' Dr. Thomas got a red, satin, string bikini thing, which he refused to take home. Party pooper. Heh, we sold it to a friend for seven bucks though. Hey, I never said the people I work with were normal!

Dr. Fuller called me today, and asked me how I was doing. Now, instead of answering that I was feeling much better, I should have feigned sickness. My brain thinks this thought, my mouth doesn't receive the message. Turns out, Kristi, my co-worker, has gotten this evil sickness. So, instead of having my first weekend off in two months, I am going to be working on Sunday. Joy of joys. Dr. Fuller then pauses, and it's an awkward kind of silence, and I know he's going to tell me something I am not going to like. "I want to tell you this, so you aren't taken by surprise...we had to put the little hound dog down." My eyes close, and my head bows, and I know Dr. Fuller hears my shakey breath. "The last few days, he has been going down hill. Today, he wouldn't even get up, and his gums were as white as a sheet. There was nothing we could do." I know, I tell him, thanks for telling me. The end. Just like that.

This hound dog was brought in a little over a month ago, with pretty bad heartworms. His owner only used the dog for hunting, and the dog was about as alive to him as the gun he used. When told of the heartworms, his only question was, 'will he be able to keep up this hunting season.' No, probably not, we told him, but this dog had been faithful for years, and he deserved to get the treatment that could save his life. The man refused, the dog was worthless to him now. Put it down, he said, and he walked away without looking back. We called him later, and convinced him to sign over his rights to us, allow us to try and find the dog a home. A dog, who's only fault in life was finding the wrong owner. I contacted some rescue organizations, and we searched for a new owner, but to find placement for an older dog that needs a fairly expensive treatment is pretty hard. He deserved so much more than a back turned on him. We gave him a chance though, and that was more than he would have gotten otherwise. He deserved so much more.

"Who's there that makes you so afraid
you're shaking to the bone,
I don't understand,
you deserve so much more than this."

Sarah Maclachlan "Good Enough"

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