May 18, 2003
7:44 p.m.

I went to work on Thursday, I just couldn't sit home and think about my grandfather. I had told myself to just make myself busy. I walked in the door, and everyone kind of got in a line, and gave me a hug. I started crying. I told everyone what had transpired after I left work, and everyone gave me support. I then started to work, and being in that clinic, around the animals, helping them, it seemed like everything was suddenly okay. Not that the pain had really gone away, but somehow, I could suddenly bare it. I ended up having to juggle three doctors who were pretty booked. I ran from one room to the next like a mad woman. I didn't have time to pee, much less think. Dr. Fuller had forgotten that Kelly, the other afternoon assistant was off, so I was doing everything. By the end of the day, as I mopped, I was half asleep.

Dr. C then came in the room, and told me she was going to leave. I said okay, and continued to mop. She just kind of stood there, looking at her shoes. I stopped mopping and waited, recognizing her 'I wanna say something that is almost emotional like, but I am afraid to drop my cool, almost emotionless exterior' look. (it's a long winded look isn't it?) Finally, after twirling her hair, shuffling her feet, and looking around the room, she said, 'I am really sorry about your grandfather,' and gave me a hug. If I hadn't been about to cry, I would have laughed at how silly she was being. I swear, sometimes, she is worse showing her emotions than the toughest macho man out there. I ended up laughing about it later.

Friday, I went out to ride Elisa. Whenever I am stressed, I always turn to horses. It felt great to be up on her back. After a short ride, we went to Royston to my grandfather's viewing. Seeing him in that coffin, it suddenly hit me. He was never going to hug me again, never going to tease me, as he always was doing, never going to be there again. I think it hit the whole family at this point, because, we all kind of huddled together and cried. I think the best part of the evening was when the EMS guy, who had worked so hard on my grandfather came in. He walked up to us, and said that he had been a paramedic for ten years, and had never come to a viewing. He didn't get involved in patient's lives, it was a job, but that my grandfather, a man he knew for such a short while had impacted him, and he said he had no choice but to come. He said some of the kindest things. He was kind a burly man, you know, the type that just don't cry easily. Someone said that after he left, they saw him sitting in his jeep, head on the steeringwheel, crying. The lady who used to clean his house was there, and I think she cried just as hard as the rest of us. Jake, who I haven't had a chance to really take to the last year, came as well. It was more than great to see him there. I have really missed him the last year, and it was great to have a friendly shoulder to lean on. There were so many people there, he touched so many lives, and he had no idea. It was just who he was. I hugged him, and kissed his forehead for the final time that night.

Saturday was the funeral, and what a beautiful funeral it was. There were flowers everywhere, and the chapel was packed, testement to how loved he was. I forgot to mention it last entry, but, when we went to his house, the night he died, my Mom was going to show me a lock of his baby hair, and, instead we found a letter he had written over thirty years ago. It told of a dream he had had, of his father coming to him after he had died. It talked about how peaceful he was, and how, my grandfather then knew that everything was okay. We had the letter read at the funeral. I cried the whole time, I think everyone did. Pop was burried in his home town, and I will miss him more than anyone can know.

His death brings about so many changes, and I am afraid. He was the tie that held my family together, and with him gone, I fear the family will drift. I pray not, but I am sure it's bound to happen. I know he will always be in my heart, and, I have faith that things, as they always do, will work out for the best.

Someone asked me about sending flowers or something, but, instead, we would appreciate donations being made to the Hart County EMS in memory of Joe Ginn. They gave my grandfather a chance, and they went above and beyond the call of duty. I am so greatful to them. Anyone who would like to make a donation, please send it to:
Hart County EMS
800 Chandler Street
Hartwell, Georgia 30643
And, please, send me an E-mail telling me you are doing it, so that I can thank you.

"Solid Stone is just, sand and water, baby,
sand and water, and a million years gone by.
I will see you in the light of a thousand suns
I will hear in the sound of the waves,
I will know you when I come, as we all will come,
through the doors beyond the grave"
"Sand and Water" Beth Nielsen Chapman

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