2001-06-18
5:59 p.m.

It's good to be home from Florida. I loved seeing my family, but I felt as if something was wrong the whole time I was down there. It took me a while to figure it out, why was I so depressed? Then it hit me, I was back to living a lie. As far as my dad, and step-mother know, I am as straight as can be, and I continued to act the part. It reminded me of times when I sat in my room, down because I was lying to myself, as well as everyone around me. There were so many times when I just wanted to blurt it out, to just tell them the truth, but I know that that wouldn't be for the best. My dad is homophobic, and my step-mother is convinced that no one under thirty can determine if they are gay, so why bother bringing on an argument.

At one point, I sat in my aunt's house, listening to her gossip about someone being a lesbian. She said it with such disgust, and disdain, I was shocked at the cruelness of it. Before I knew what I was doing, I found myself blurting out 'What's wrong with being a lesbian?' I got a lot of strange looks, but I simply shrugged my shoulders and laughed, and everyone went on with their discussion. How can my family, my own flesh and blood be so judgemental of people that they have never met. How can they be judgemental of love they have never experienced?

It got me thinking, what exactly is it about a homosexual relationship that has people so frightened? Is it kissing? The same feelings and emotions go into a kiss, no matter who this kiss is between. Is it sex? What's the difference between a man going down on a woman, and a woman going down on a woman. Better yet, is there really that much difference between a woman with a strap on, and a man's penis. If you ask me, it seems the former would be much cleaner. Is it the fact that it is between two people of the same sex? What is gender really? It's something that seperates people by the parts of their bodies. It's the difference between a y and x chromosome. Love is about emotions, about trust and companionship, why should gender factor into that? I know the large problem with homosexuality exists with the Bible, and God. I personally believe that some things in the Bible have been misinterpreted, and too much weight has been put on the words. Some Christians seem to throw out parts of the Bible, and keep others, depending on what argument they wish to make. If we followed every word written, then women would still be "slaves" to their husbands, and such stuff as that. God teaches unconditional love, isn't that the message of the Bible? I believe that God will love and cherish anyone who has the strength to love fully, and unprejudiced.

I also felt a little like a hypocrit reading some of my earlier entries, and I wish to clarify one such aspect. I talk about how gender doesn't matter, but I call myself a lesbian, which would be promoting a gender. I decided to explain what I mean. I am drawn to women, I find companionship, and love easier with them, more satisfying, but I would not simply turn a man away because of his gender. I simply see myself with a woman, and feel more comfortable with that aspect of myself.

While in Florida, I read an article about children raised in a homosexual environment. I found myself almost laughing at the cons, or what the editors were trying to pass off as cons. There was one statement about children in a homosexual environment having more empathy, and not being as prejudiced, meaning that they may be more likely to enter into a homosexual relationship. How is a child lacking prejudiced actually a bad thing? God only knows we need more people like that in this world. Those that can see the person within, not the outward appearences. There are so many people that are so caught up in their arguments, that they fail to realize how stupid and arrogent they make themselves sound. This 'It's my way or the highway' mentality has got to stop, it's rediculous, and it's ripping so many people apart.

I have so much more that I want to talk about, so much more to say, but I am physically and emotionally tired. I want to thank everyone who signed my guestbook, you guys made me feel so special and missed :) Thanks a lot. Oh, and I also wanted to thank the wonderful Merilily for the wonderful postcard I found in my mailbox today.

<-//->