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2001-10-11 Anyway, today, I was standing in surgery, when Dr. Thomas says something about having to go put "Hoss" down. Hoss is an unusual name, but I was sure it couldn't be the same horse that I fell in love with, because that horse was suposed to be put down over two weeks ago. After asking him if that was the identity of the horse, and having that fear confirmed, I got pissed. To explain what was wrong with the horse in somewhat understandable terms, we will just say the horse's hoof was falling off. Ever heard the saying "No hoof no horse." This horse was in a lot of pain, and should have been put down. There was nothing that could be done for him, and he wasn't going to get any better. Apparently, when the horse had gotten back to the owners house to be put down, they had changed their minds. They kept the horse, even though he was in considerable pain. A horse puts most of it's weight on it's front legs, and one of those legs couldn't support any weight at all. So, of course, the other leg, supporting more than it's share of weight begins to go lame too. Now, the horse can't even stand up, because the lady was selfish, caring only for herself. I understand that she loved the horse, but that horse had no chance at all, and he hurt. You could see it in his eyes. When my horse, Cracker went down, it killed me. I sat outside, a mist falling, and I didn't even care when I sat in the mud. I don't even know how much of the wetness on my face was rain, and how much was actually tear drops. Cracker was a part of me, somehow, on those rides we used to share, we began to share a soul. Part of my soul was dying. I had told him one night, however, that when he went down, it would be his sign to me, that it was time. He always tried his best to do everything I asked, but I could never ask him to suffer for me. I know that I could have gotten him up that night. Had I given him a dose of electrolites and such, but how long before he was down again. How long before his heart murmer made his life useless. That was one of the hardest things I've had to do. Sit with his head in my lap, and watch Dr. C push pink fluid into his vein. Knowing, that as that pink fluid made it's way through the blood stream, that Cracker would go to sleep, and would never wake up. I held him, knowing that I would never get to cry into his mane again, never feed him, never ride bareback under the moon, but I loved him. It was that love that gave me the courage to make it through, and honor that promise I made to him. How someone, who could claim to love their horse, could sit there, watch him in pain, knowing that it would never get better.. I can't understand it. The horse couldn't even make it to the water trough. So, tonight, I pray, rest in peace dear friend, rest in peace. As for this layout, I decided, that since I had said I found my rainbow, that I needed a new theme. As I sifted through pictures, I found that one of my grandmother and I, taken a few weeks ago. She was like my north star, ever silent, in the background, but always able to lead and guide me. She has deffinately patched many holes in my umbrella. So, I dedicate this layout to her. <-//->
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