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2001-04-30 My mom went and filed her taxes a few weeks ago, and the person she filed with promised her that we would get $3,000 today, by midnight. So, my mom calls today to make sure the money is going to be in tonight, considering this is our mortgage payment. If we don't pay by tonight, then they begin the whole notice of forclosure thing. Well, the friendly tax person happily informed us that since they hadn't received the tax forms from '97 that they wouldn't release the money. Well thank you so F***ing much for telling us. So, my mom is now hurrying to H&R block to hopefully get '97 filed in time and maybe, if we are actually lucky, we can still get the money tonight. They swore to us that we would have the money tonight. We counted on this money, but no, we got screwed of course. Then, my grandmother had to go into the hospital yesterday. She was having a lot of trouble breathing, and when they got there, her EKG was a little weird. My mom ended up staying the night in the hospital with my grandmother while I went to my dad's house. I love my dad with all my heart, he really is a good man, and he tried to be a wonderful dad, but when I need that shoulder to cry on, I can't go to him. He hides his emotions so much, that when I need sympathy, and a loving touch, he doesn't know how to give it. I mean, my mom assured me it wasn't serious, just that her flu was upsetting her heart, but I still needed to cry, and I still needed someone to hold me while I cried, but I got neither. Then, the whole Jenn situation is completely frustrating me. Even though I want to get into detail, I don't feel comfortable knowing her mom might read it. So, instead, I sit here and fester over it, really having no where to release my frustrations. Jenn is my best friend, the one that I can go to no matter what. I know that she will always be there with a comforting word, and a shoulder to cry on. Instead of having that friend when I need her, though, I am cut off from her because of narrow mindedness. Why is it okay to stick your tounge down some guys throat, but to hold a girls hand is a bad thing? I'm sick of the religion stuff, the God that I know and believe in would never judge anyone on who they loved. I love Jenn. I loved her first as my friend, and I love her now as a girlfriend. I am sick and tired of crying alone, because I can't call her, can't talk to her. I am sick of being judged. I am a good person, I live a good life, yet is still seems like all the shit gets thrown my way. I try so hard to please so many people, and whenever I try and please the person that I am inside, I get screwed. I want to quit worrying about money, it's sending me into a deeper depression, I want to be able to hug my grandmother without wondering if it's the last hug, and I want my best friend back. I'm sick of pleasing people, now I am going to set out to please myself. <-//->
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