2001-07-29
10:27 p.m.

I'm throwing myself into work, because I am still trying to avoid dealing with things. Things that flow through my mind constantly. It's unhealthy, and I know that, but it doesn't stop me from doing it. Sometimes I wish I could lock up my mind, stop thoughts from swirling about, but it just doesn't work that way. I know that by avoiding these thoughts, it's just going to make it worse to deal with.

I'm hardly home anymore, and when I am home, I am sleeping. I've got to stop..find some way to end the vicious cycle. Today was going to be my day off from the vet, but at eleven, I got a call, and they asked me to come in. I went in, not even thinking about it. Who cares that I was tired. I knew if I was there, I wouldn't think, and if I didn't think, I didn't have to deal with things I don't want to. Poor Dr. Fuller is so afraid that I am going to quit working there. He sat my down today, and looked so serious, I was trying to figure out if he was going to fire me before I even got started. Instead, he told me that he was sorry that they had to call me in, that he had really not wanted to, but they needed the help, and I had offered to come in. He said that I was to stay home on Monday, because he didn't want to abuse my niceness, and he wanted me to rest. I thought that was so nice of him, so kind. As much as I want to be there, I really need the break. I mean, I love going up there, but I have worked every day since I got back from Canada, twelve or more hours each day, I want to have a day off.

I love pictures. The way they can capture a moment, and forever hold it in time. Each picture reprisents a feeling, a second in time worth remembering. Me, smiling on top of my horse Cracker. A moment in time that will never be repeated. If I stare at the picture long enough, I can almost remember how it felt to be on his back, feelings his muscles shift and move beneath me. His breathing a rythmic in and out. I can feel the reins in my fingers, as I keep gentle pressure on the bit. That one picture holds so much for me. I have four pictures that stay on my desk always, and when I want to recapture a feeling, I look at them, and I can almost transfer myself back in time. Back into that moment. I really love pictures.

I know this update is short, but I just don't feel like talking today. I don't know why, I think I am just tired.

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