2001-06-30
9:36 p.m.

Have you ever seen one of those movies that just touches your soul in a certain way? That makes you evaluate your life through an entirely different set of eyes? I just finished watching 'Pay it Foward', and it made me realize how much fuller, more complete my life could be. The basis of the movie is helping people, selflessly, doing something for them that they can't really do for themself. I thought about how good it feels to have helped these people on Diaryland, how happy, and fufilled it has made me. I thought about how small of a thing that is, and how much more I could truely do.

I once got an E-mail from someone, telling me that they had been writing a diary entry, saying goodbye, and that on their desk sat a razor blade. This person saw my banner, and decided to give me a read before they ended it all. I'm not really sure which entry they read, who even who they were, but this person wrote me an E-mail, saying that after she read that entry, that ending it didn't seem right. This person told me that she realized that she was an okay person, and to end it would be letting all those people against her win. She said that my diary gave her the strength and courage to go on. If I can do that without even trying, if I can do that through these written words alone..what else can I do? How much more can I accomplish?

I have already seen that there is good in this world, that there are still good people out there willing to go that extra step. I've already finished one of my books and after reading it, I promised myself that I would pay this person back somehow. That somehow, is by continuing the kindness, by passing it on to someone else. More than just one someone, because there are so many people out there who deserve it. My birthday is on Monday, and I will get some money from my family, part of that money is going to other people. I may not be able to give much, but I know a lot of people need a smile, and I will find some way to give it to them. I want to give someone a rainbow.

I've been happy lately. I mean, yes, I have had my down moods, a wonderful side affect of clinical depression, but they are fewer and far between. First off, I have realized that things with Jenn and I are out of my hands, that there is really nothing I can do right now but love her, which I do. I will love, and support her to the end, whichever ending that is. Secondly, I have found something to do that I love, something that gets me out of the house and makes me happy. Now, I spend nine to five with animals of all kinds. I spend nine to five easing the pain of these creatures that I love. No, I don't get money, but I get to come home with the knowledge that I have helped. I don't feel like I am fumbling as much anymore, and I have made an impact there. Kim, who is a vet tech there, told me yesterday that she really wished that they would hire me, that I deserved it more than almost anyone else working there. That felt good. Then, she introduced me to some of her family, and my introduction went like this: 'Yeah, this is Heather, she works at the clinic. She works her butt off everyday she's up there.' I guess I have helped more than I thought I did, I didn't really think I worked that hard, but Kim has told me several times how good, and hard a worker I am. Then, today, Dr. Myers asks me how I have liked hanging around up there. He owns the practice, so I told him how much I enjoyed everything, and how much it meant to me that he allowed me to help out. He then told me that next week he was going to take me out in his truck for a ride along. To ride with Dr. Myers is an amazing oppertunity, and I was honored that he would actually ask me. I'm happy because I have made new friends, I don't feel so outcast any more. I'm slowly getting my relationship with my dad back, which is something that was really missing these past few years. I'm getting over my step-father, I can talk about him without getting a panic attack. I got a card from his parents today, they send me one for my birthday every year, and on it they told me that they had continued to keep a savings account for me, one that they had started when my mom married my step-father. I was so touched by this, that even through the divorce, they still cared enough about me to keep the account, and offer me the money. These people are really amazing. I'm happy, and I want to pass that on to others.

Pay it foward everyone. Tomorrow, next week, don't ever stop doing it. Change someone's life, I garuntee that every day will become a little brighter when you know that you have touched someone's heart. I don't like this world, and I am ready to change it. I am passed ready to change it.

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