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2001-03-31 I don't really have too much to talk about today, but I always feel guilty when I don't update. Funny..I never feel guilty when I forget to clean my room. I've noticed when I can't sleep, I someitmes find myself thinking of all the stuff I wish I could say to people, but am often too afraid to. Last night, for instance, I wrote a nice long letter to my ex step-father in my head. It's been three years since I last saw him, but the thought of him can still make me cringe. I mean, I know he wasn't that I bad I guess, he never laid a hand on me. Sometimes though, I think my emotional scars are just as bad as any physical ones he could have inflicted. I tried so hard to make him love me. I wanted to accept him as a second father, but he never gave me the chance. I don't think there was ever a moment that he actually thought of me as his daughter. Ever since then, I've been almost afraid to love, afraid of the same results. I remember I used to sit up in my room some nights, my pillow over my head, trying so hard to drown out the sounds of him yelling at my mom. Most of the time, the yelling would be about me. Sometimes I felt like I was the worst kid on the face of the earth. Now I know it was his egotistical perfectionist views, not anything I did or didn't do. I think one of the things I hate him the most for was his hatred if my cat Sarah. My mom and I were going on a family vacation that he was unable to attend, and he refused to take care of Sarah. All he had to do was put food in her dish every day, would it have killed him? So, we asked a friend of ours to take care of the cat for the week we were gone. I didn't hold my fork properly, or something rediculous like that at dinner that night, so he sent me to my room. I didn't get to say goodbye to Sarah before she went to the friends house. When we got back from vacation, my step-father decided that my new torture would be not to get my cat back until my room, and the rest of the house was clean. Not too long after that, Sarah died. It was my first expirience with death, and a hard expirience at that. As I sat there crying in my mom's arms, I remember the smug look he had on his face as he walked up the stairs. Enough about him, he's just a bad part of my past. Speaking of the past, I am going to visit a friend of mine tomorrow that I haven't seen in a while. I've known her since she was a baby. We've taken different paths in our life, but somehow have managed to remain friends. So, that is my excuse for not updating tomorrow. Well, I'm going to bed and see if I can shake the last of this sinus infection I have. <-//->
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