July 14, 2003
10:09 p.m.

I sit here and pretend as if nothing is wrong, as if nothing is bothering me, when inside, all I can do is worry. Really, why do I do this to myself. Is it because I think it makes me look strong? No, because I have never really cared how I look to other people. I don't know, maybe I just don't want to bother other people. Regardless, I am here in my room, not telling a single person of the thoughts swimming through my mind. So much rests on what happens. I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know, maybe this will be my breaking point. I'm not ready. Of course, maybe I am jumping the gun, who's to say it's going to happen so soon. I guess it's not my choice to be ready, or not. What will happen will happen, and I am powerless to do anything, but wrap my arms around myself, and have faith that it will work out. That everything will be okay. I don't know, I speak in riddles now, and none of you have a clue as to what I am talking about, but, I understand it. I am simply writing my thoughts as the zoom through my head, faster than the speed of light. I am not ready yet. Not so soon. But then, it's not really so soon is it? It's been several years, and I knew it was coming, but, I wouldn't allow myself to think about it. Hind sight is 20/20. I guess only time will tell, and dwelling on it will do nothing. So, I close my eyes and I pray.

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