November 16, 2002
6:31 p.m.

Sorry for yet another long spell of no updates. I think I may have finally figured out the reason. I often sit here, ready to write, but end up doing something else instead. For a while, I needed this diary to just make it through the day. I had to come here, to have friendly support outside of my daily life. This was the crutch, that helped me stand, and it kept me from falling to the ground many times. While, I still need this diary to record my fears, my failures, and my triumphs, it is no longer my crutch. I'm happier now than I have been in a long time. Yeah, I still have a lot of problems to work through, and I still have bad days, but, for the first time in a while, I don't need the extra push to get through them.

Sometimes I don't understand myself. Things were going pretty good, but I pulled myself away. I think I realized that I still had more things to work through than I thought, and, despite all the time that has passed, she still had more control over me than I imagined. Her thoughts and opinions, while often a mystery to me, were far too important. I know I need to talk to her about it, instead of pulling away, which won't solve anything. I guess I just need to sort out my feelings first.

I actually took yesterday off simply for me. I ended up going to see the Harry Potter movie with Ellyn and Diana from work. We had a good time, it was really nice. The only down fall of the day, is, I managed to get sick as a dog. While watching the movie, I waited until there was no dialog, and would blow my nose. Very embarassing, but it was that, or not breathing. Went to work today, still feeling very sick. I ended up staying until all the patients had been seen, then I asked Dr. C and Dr. Fuller if they would mind if I went home early. I came home and crashed, and I am actually feeling worse tonight. Thank goodness I got Kim to cover for me tomorrow, I don't think I could have made it in.

I think Fuller may have finally got the hint that the whole seven days a week thing isn't going to work, because he pulled me into the office the other day, and told me that he had six or seven people that were willing to work weekends. He told me to choose the weekends I wanted off, and let him know. He then says, 'You know, you have really been the crutch that has been holding this place up the last few months. I don't think you know how much we really appreciate you.' He then got up, and walked up, leaving me standing there in shock. Did he actually just say some form of thank you?

Dr. Fuller is pretty bad about taking stuff for granted. He will have you doing ten different things, while standing on your head, and juggling golf balls with your feet, and never once offer a word of thanks. I mean, we all know he appreciates it, but, sometimes, it just feels good to hear it. Dr. C was pretty bad about if for a while, but I happened to mention something about Fuller never saying thanks, and I think she got the hint, because she almost always says thank you now.

I'm glad that both Fuller and C like me, but, sometimes, I just get sick of the politics between them. I have never seen to professionals act so much like children. Half the time, I get stuck in the middle too. I try and stay neutral, but sometimes, I just have to go into the kennel, and let out a scream of frustration. I swear, the two of them need to get in a room, beat the crap out of each other, and just get on with their lives. The way the schedule works now, on Mondays and Wednesdays, I am Dr. Fuller's assistant, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I am Dr. C's assistant, then I trade off Fridays with them. When I am with Dr. Fuller, he is often complaining about C, and visa versa with her. I like and respect both doctors, so it gets a bit trying sometimes. I guess the good part is, I get to hear both sides of the story, and I can sometimes enlighten the other doctor about things they didn't know. I don't know, I just keep waiting for the big blow out that is bound to happen soon.

Boss Man's birthday is tomorrow. We were supposed to go over to his house today, where he was going to force us all to play a game of basketball, the losers taking the winners out to dinner. Thankfully, it rained, so that didn't happen. Have I ever mentioned, that me, in my five foot frame, can't play basketball at all. Whenever it does happen, it should be interesting.

I spent last night teaching my dad how to use E-mail. He finally got his first computer. I literally had to show him where the on button was...I am begining to wonder if I am actually related to him. After a few minutes, he sort of got the hang of it. I had to call him every time I got an E-mail though, which got annoying when I wasn't sitting at my computer. Because, after five minutes, he would call me, 'Didn't you get it yet?'

Anyway, I am going to and take some benedryl and hopefully feel better.



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