2002-02-25
11:12 p.m.

As I randomly flipped through diaries today, I found many that ended due to someone finding them. I also had a friend tell me that she ended hers because her dad was reading it. I look at my own experiences with this, and how close I came to ending this diary several times. I put my words out here, not only for my own well being, but to give others going through similar experiences somewhere to look. I don't pour my heart out, into this little box, so people close to me can use it to hurt me.

I know curiousity is human nature, and, if I found a diary by someone close to me, I can't promise that I wouldn't read an entry or two, because, like I said, it is human nature. Also, a human capability, is to know right from wrong. I am sure my concience would make me feel so bad, that those one or two entries would never again be thought of. I can't, in my rational mind, imagine reading private thoughts, even after being asked not to. I can't imagine writing comments in the guestbook. I can't imagine inflicting that kind of pain.

In life, I am not a very open person. I tend to keep thoughts to myself, but here, I feel I am free from judgement, but I often find that that isn't true. When Jenn's dad read my diary, studying my words, I wanted to flee. I had not willing let him into my mind, my heart, yet, there he was, and I wanted him out. I realized, however, that fleeing would not rid me of him, it would just erase parts of my past, parts of me. The same went for when my cousin discovered this. Running away would say that I had something to be ashamed of in here, and I don't. This diary shows parts of me that only you readers, and a few select friends get to see. Reading this without my permission does nothing except make me lose all trust and faith in you, but it does nothing to me.

That was a hard conclusion for me to come to. I kept thinking, with my cousin, what if she tells this person, or that person. I then decided that, if anyone else chooses to read this, or if she told anyone what she read in this, respect, trust, my love, would be at stake. I would hurt at the loss of that, but nothing else would happen. I would still be me, and that is all that I need. So, as long as I want, this diary will be my home, no matter who reads it. I just wish the same faith for other people.

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