2001-03-18
22:32:48

I know I haven't written in a few days, I've just been in a bit of a depressive funk, and I just didn't feel like writing. I don't really know why I am depressed, there doesn't really seem to be a reason. I guess there are a lot of underlying causes.

I haven't ridden a horse in six months, and when that has always been your stress release, it really gets to you. I came up on a drawing I had done of my horse Cracker yesterday, and I realized how much I miss him. Sometimes when I would be upset, I would go out there, and burry my face in his mane, wrap my arms around his neck, and cry. Cracker would stand there completely still, not even moving to swat flies. It always seemed like he understood whatever pain I was going through.

Last night was my step mother's birthday, so I went out to eat with them. I had a panic attack, but I didn't tell anyone, except my cousin, who finally asked my why my leg was shaking like crazy. Later that night, my dad asked me why I hadn't eaten very much, and I told him that I had had a panic attack. When I get them, I loose my appetite. I of course get the disapproving look and the "you are too young to be having all this stuff wrong with you", which, when translated from dadspeak means : I still don't believe you have this panic thing. He then continues on about how he wants to go to my next shrink appointment to see "what the hell is wrong with me." I've given up on trying to explain anything to him, he doesn't listen to me.

My mom still isn't thrilled about me and Jenn dating, but I don't care anymore. I fell in love with a person, yes, she's a girl, but does that really matter? When I am with her, I'm happy, that's what matters. I told myself that I wouldn't fall in love with anyone until I was out of college, and ready, but somehow, that plan got left behind. I don't think you can choose, when you fall in love, or who you fall in love with. I love Jenn, and I don't regret a minute of it.

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