2001-08-10
12:43 p.m.

I miss her. Does that make me weak? I don't really care if it does, I am just speaking the truth. My truth. I try and push her out of my mind, but I can't keep her out of my dreams. When I am sleeping, I can't sensor my thoughts, and they roam free. Last night, she filled my dreams, but even in my dreams, she wasn't the girl I loved. She was sad, and withdrawn, and there was nothing I could do about it. In my dream, I even broke into her car just so I could smell her scent. My dreams don't lie, they just remind me that I can't push her away into a dark crevice of my mind, they remind me that I do, in fact, miss her.

I admit it, I have to stop myself every day from E-mailing her. I have to remind myself that I am doing this for her, doing what she wanted. Yeah, that doesn't make it any easier though. I still miss her, she was my best friend. I'm sorry, but that is something that I can't just throw away. So many people supported us, believed in us...I believed in us. I let myself down..I let them down. I let her down. I told her she was worth fighting for, but I gave up, I didn't fight. I guess I never knew the person I would be fighting against would be her. I didn't have it in me to hurt her, so I gave up on the fight. Now I have to continue to ask myself if I did the right thing. Did I just aid in both of us taking the easy way out, or did I really make her happier?

So, yes, I miss her, my friend, my love. If that makes me weak, then so be it. I don't care any more, I just want to feel without worrying about other people's thoughts. I wonder sometimes if she misses me too. Is there still a chance for our friendship? I guess that's a question that I may never know the answer to.

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