2001-07-07
8:10 a.m.

Who am I kidding, I'm walking around, pretending that everything going on with Jenn really doesn't bother me. Why do I feel the need to lie like that? Because, I don't want to be the typical teenager. I don't want to cry over a break up, I want to be strong. I want to laugh in the face of pain, rise above it. I can't though, because I need to allow myself to feel. I need to stop shoving everything into the corner of my brain, not talking about it, pretending it doesn't even exist. So, here I will write the truth.

It hurt. It was so unexpected. One day, we were writing E-mails, our friendship getting back on track. She told me she had spoken with her father, and had some stuff to tell me, then two days later, this. I think I read her diary entry three or four times, making sure that I had gotten it right. I wanted to be angry with her, I wanted to hate her too, but that's not me. Instead, I was angry with myself, blaming myself for hurting her in some way. Feeling that it was my fault, every bad thing that happened to her in the past few months. I know logically that that's rediculous, but my nature is to protect those around me, which often causes me to blame myself for things I had no control over. I allowed myself to think that maybe I was this horrible person, that maybe I did deserve everything she said to me. Then I realized that I didn't. I've done all I can to support her. I just don't know what else to do. I don't really know what goes on over there, Jenn is very gaurded with her thoughts, but often I wished I could trade places with her, just allow her to not have to be hurt. She said I played the victim, made her the bad guy. That was never intended, half the time, I was thinking of myself as the bad guy, the one who had started this whole thing. I never saw either one of us as the victim, we were equal. Two people shunned by prejudice and hatred. I often found myself crying for her, crying because she had to hurt. I wanted to hug her, and tell her that everything would be okay, but she was far from my touch, and I could do nothing but reach out to her with words. Words..not my strongest point. Sometimes, I just don't know how to word my thoughts, and they come out wrong. You just can't put words to what would be expressed by a hug, and a whispered 'I love you.'

I love her. I love her just as much now as I always have. Maybe that makes me stupid, I don't know, but it's what I feel. When I think of her, I'm not angry, I'm hurt, and confused, but not angry. She is herself, and I love her for it. If she didn't have opinions, and thoughts, then she wouldn't be the person that I have fallen in love with. If I were angry at her opinion, wouldn't that make me a just as bad as the people I have been fighting against. So, I will not shun her for her thoughts, her feelings, because it is her right to have them. It will not make me love her any less. And, as stupid as it may sound, she is still one of my best friends in my heart. If I really needed her, Jenn is the type of person who would put everything behind her, and be there for me. You don't find many people like that, and I treasure that.

So, there is my entry of truth. I have to convince myself that it is okay to cry, but I still have faith that things will work out. Probably not tomorrow, or even next month, but someday. Even if it's not our relationship, I still believe that our friendship is something special. Maybe I am stupid. Maybe I do put too much faith in people. All I know, is I got with my heart, and I hope to never lose that.

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