2002-03-11
1:23 a.m.

I finally managed to watch 'The Laramie Project yesterday. I thought it was very well done, and I hold a deep respect for all who aided in the making of the film. I just hate that an innocent boy had to die for people to get a clue about the hatred that dares to show up in this society. Sometimes I wonder about the line "land of the free, and home of the brave" A land so free, with people so brave that they cower in a corner at the thought of something new, and not "the norm." Ah, but I digress. I know there are certainly people in this country, in this world, worthy of those words, but I clench my teeth an anger at the ones who aren't. There is already so much hate, so much evil, why punish those who actaully dare to love someone? Teach everyone to turn their backs on love, and this earth will be one dark, lonly place to live in. Love for all you are worth.

My mom came in while I was watching the movie, and inquired about it's title. I told her, and she nodded, and sat down. After a few moments, she asked me what it was about. "Matthew Shepard." I told her. A few minutes later, she asked me 'who's he.' I turned and looked at her from my position on the couch. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that my mom, who always seems so current on the news, held no knowledge of this event. Maybe I am the foolish one, thinking that this event, so important to me, doesn't have as much meaning to the people outside the gay/lesbian community. It was just another horrible murder committed in a town far away. To be honest, I can't tell you who was murdered last week, so, I guess Matthew's murder affected me so much because I was there, I was afraid. I hid in my little closet, locked with so many locks, I feared I would never see the light of day. I looked at this kid, he didn't hide, and look where he ended up. Then, in the months, and years following, I started to see something. He was better than me, he lived his life, and he was happy, and, even in death, he made an impact. He brought awareness to people, which is the first step in a long battle, but he was able to do it.

My mom stayed and watched the movie with me, although she was hesitant after finding out the plot. We treat the whole lesbian thing gaurdedly. It's there, just beneath the surface, but, except on the occasional day, it's never brought up. At one point in the movie, a young man was talking about how his parents had a problem with him taking a role in the play, he said, to his parents, 'last night, I played MacBeth, and on stage, I killed children, I murdered people, and you didn't have a problem with that...' When that came on, my Mom kind of nodded, and looked at me, 'he's right you know.' It made me smile. Maybe she sees now. Maybe. Thank you Matthew for opening her eyes a little.

"There are those who would like to break me,
but this angry white boy on the towel,
he ain't got shit on me,
cause I got a lot of what he lacks
I am only flesh and emotion
I am about peace, fredom and devotion"

Doria Roberts "Flesh and Emotion"

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