2001-06-02
12:19 p.m.

Sorry for not writing in a few days, but I have hardly been home. I also haven't really been in the mood to write. I don't think it has anything to do with depression, because I have been doing really good lately, but it's more like the words just don't want to come out. I don't feel compelled to write like I usually do. I want to write. I sit at the computer, and my fingers itch to type, but the inspiration, the strength that I normally feel isn't there.

I'm just getting kind of sick of the world I guess you could say. Sick of a country that preaches of freedom, and equality, but in the same sentence promotes hatred and prejudice. Why, in this country of equality, should anyone have to fight, fight day and night, to get the rights which other people are given without a second thought. Why can a man, who abuses his wife, beats her every day, choose whether or not to keep her on life support, when a loving lesbian can't do anything, but stand to the side and watch. Marriage, and marriage rights, aren't they supposed to be about love? About commitment?

I know that in history, marriage was more about giving a woman away as property. A father gives his daughter away to the best man he can find, and after the two are married, the father may enjoy a shared property. Love never really mattered, it was all about money. Now, however, marriage has become about love. About wanting to spend your life with one person. Race, religion, sexuality, what do they have to do with love? What do they have to do with finding someone that can make you smile, make you laugh, on the worst day of your life. Nothing. Love is about what is inside your heart, not any outward appearance, and until everyone can realize this, then this country isn't about equality and freedom.

It seems like most of the diaries I read about lesbian relationships involve such trials, such pain. Leviand Kim, for example, have been dealing with a problem similar to that of Jenn and myself. Kim's parents have forbiden her from seeing Levi, from talking to her, and I can honestly say I feel their pain. They have been able to work around everything pretty good, however, and are still staying strong. I admire them for following their hearts, and not letting anyone change their feelings. The point, however, is that they should have never had to deal with that, never. Love is hard enough, with it's doubts, and hardships, it doesn't need prejudice and hatred too.

I know by writing in here I am not really making much of a difference. I should be out there writing letters to congress, but like I said before, I'm just sick of this world. I guess I feel that if I can just reach one person through here, change their negative thoughts, that I have at least done something. Even if I can change someone's opinion, the people that really matter, to me anyway, aren't affected. They will continue to cast their negative thoughts about, and it will continue to hurt me a little more as each day goes by.

I don't know, I think I've reached that point where I am tired of all the BS. I'm tired of watching "normal" couples walking around holding hands, and longing to do the same. I'm not bitter, or depressed, just fed up. Tired of watching good people, wonderful people, get hurt time and time again. I'm tired of watching myself get hurt. I'm tired of having pride in a country that has no pride in itself. I'm just tired.

"We all have to live in a world
where a girl can't just love a girl
where a boy can't just love a boy
children killing for their toys
so I suggest you make some sense
of this majorly fucked up circumstance
and give yourself one more chance
to stand up and dance."

Doria Roberts from a hidden track

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