2001-11-07
12:13 a.m.

It's been over a month since I mentioned Jenn in here, think it's long enough for her parents to have quit reading my diary? Probably not. This is my diary, however, and like I said before, I don't want to censor myself. I want to write what I am feeling, so, I will.

Do I still love her after all this time? Yes. I have come to terms with that, however. I will always love her, it's just how I work. Once I pledge love, I mean forever, it's just me. She gave me a look into myself, and knocked some sense into me. I will always thank her for that.

There is still a lot of hurt when I think of her, but with how everything happened, I don't think it was really avoidable. She's still a part of my heart, though I may not be a part of hers. A lot of things were left unresolved between us, and I think that that has bothered me a lot lately. It's probably what has caused me to feel the need to write about her again. A part of me felt, that by not writing about her, I was forgeting her, and everything that happened between us. That's not what I want to do, because without everything that happened, I don't think I would be who I am. Infact, I would most likely still be hiding behind a wall of lies, ashamed of myself. I look back, and I don't know how I did it. How I could so easily lie to everyone around me. Now, the lying drives me insane, how did I make it before?

So, no, I haven't pushed her out of my mind. My thoughts of her serve as a reminder to be myself. Even though being me has caused a lot of hurt, I feel that -I- am better for it, and that's what matters. No one can change me, and that was a hard lesson learned. I still miss her, and I probably always will.

She's happy now, or she seems to be, and that's what I wanted for her. So, I guess, in a way, that makes me happy.

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