2001-04-18
7:37 p.m.

"I've got a lot on my mind, almost too much to say..."
Sometimes I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the rocky bottom. The wind is blowing behind me, lifting my hair, but instead of enjoying the day, and the view, I am too focused on watching my tears strike the rocks below me. I feel like over time, I am going to cry a river into that canyon. I guess the reason everything has affected me so badly is that I I felt like everything was going so good, and then it all just started to go crazy. First my mom with Jenn, then Jenn's parents with Jenn, then the money, and the list goes on. It just took me from a high, and kicked me almost lower than I have been before. I hate to sound at all like a normal teenage 'Wah wah, I'm depressed, wah wah.' I don't want to sound like that, and I try not to, but it's just mainly what i am feeling now.

"This my direction, see this is my choice, it's a one man inserection, this is my voice..."
I get tired of trying to explain myself to the people in my real life. I mean, I didn't just wake up one day and go 'Gee, my life is just too easy, maybe to shake things up a little, I'll become a lesbian for a while.' Yeah, like I really needed that. Then, come the words of, why don't you just forget about it, be normal, it would be so much easier. I think that every day, 'It would be so much easier if I were just straight,' but the truth is, I'm not. I am in love with a girl, I am attracted to girls, and it is my choice to embrace that. To love the feeling that it gives me. I'm glad that I have my own little support system here on diayrland, all of you guys have been great. You've shown me that there really are people out there who accept me for who I am, because you have all glimpsed the inner me, the one that I wish I could show all people.

"I used to be the favorite one, baby, princess, daughter, but I had to shed that skin I was in.."
I hate knowing that my mom is somewhat disappointed in my sexuality. I was always the "perfect" child, which is how my dad always describes me. First came my anxiety,which caused me, the wonderful A student, to have to stop school. Now, there is the fact that I like girls, so, my mom is seeing this as her dreams of me, a husband, and two point five kids slipping down the drain. I feel like I have disappointed them in some way, but even though I may feel that, I also feel like I have finally made myself happy. I finally approve of the way I feel. I am finally me, no secrets. It feels good.

"I'm tired of the illusions, stupid metaphors.."
Now I just want to get to that level in my life where when someone asks me if I have a boyfriend, and I can proudly say no, and tell them that I have a wonderful girlfriend. Where I can go the the movies with Jenn, whenever we are allowed to see each other again, and not be worried to hold her hand. I'm tired of lying, of avoiding the questions. I just want to be me, and I want people to accept that. I know it's a little bit much to wish for, especially with a family as devoutly Babtist as mine, but maybe someday I can reach that level.

My friend Jake finally updated his diary, and has asked me to put a little note in here for him. He would really appreciate some support and lovins in his guestbook. Happy now Jake ;)

All lyrics in this entry were Doria Roberts, in her song "Iguana." If you have napster, I strongly suggest downloading just a few of her songs. She has truely been an inspiration to me.

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