2001-07-09
11:05 p.m.

This entry is in response to those who have signed my guestbook callng me a fake, and other such stuff. It is to those who set out to hurt someone they don't know. To those who take pleasure in putting another person down. I have deleted some of the comments because frankly, I just don't feel like seeing them every time I check my guestbook. So, in response to all those people, here is what I have to say.

Do you want to know what I do most days? I wake up around nine in the morning, and I go outside and play with my dogs. Then, I get dressed, and I go to the vet's. When I am there, I work my butt off. I scrub cages, I scoop stalls, I get peed on, I get bitten, and I do it all for free. Why do I do it for free? If I actually asked, they would most likely hire me, but then it would change. I am working there for me, not for money, not for anyone else. It's like my therapy. I feel good about myself, and all my problems seem to slip away. I put my soul, and my heart, into everything I do there. I have made friends there, girls my own age, girls so much like myself.

After working there, I come home and I normally call my grandmother. That's right, I come home and talk to my grandparents almost every day. My grandmother can't say many words, she can't even control her bladder. She is a prisoner in her mind, understanding everything that goes on around her, but unable to get anything out. I talk to her every night, trying to say at least one thing that will make her laugh. I miss her more than words can ever express. My grandfather talks to me, pretending everything is okay, but I hear it in his voice. He is tired, so tired. So, I talk to them every day, getting every moment out of them that I can.

I then eat dinner, mess around on the computer, and go to bed. It's not an exciting life, but it's the life I call my own. Some weekends I go out, some weekends I don't. No, I don't have a lot of friends, but I like it that way. I have a small group of friends who I am very close to. I'm not a social butterfly, most of the time, I prefer a good book to a night out on the town. Maybe I'm a "nerd" or a "geek", I've been called them all before, but it's the truth, and I wear the name with honor.

As for my..how was it put "delusions of true love" when I should "be out enjoying my life," what's wrong with it? Why can't I believe? Is it because you quit believing in fairy tales and magic? Does that mean we all have to. What if I want to hold on to my fantasies, is it not my choice? I enjoy my life, I love my life, I wouldn't trade my life for any one else's in the world. Just because I don't have a billion girlfriends or boyfriends doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed my life. I like who I am, who I am still becoming.

I am real, I'm as real as I know how to be. What would make me more real to some of you. Should I talk about smoking weed, doing drugs, throwing wild parties, does that make me real? Should I cuss every other word? It's not me, and to do that stuff would be a lie. You talk about a front of sweetness I put on, but it's just me. Like I admitted before, I can be mean, I can be a pill at times, and I don't deny that fact. I don't normally raise my voice, I avoid arguments, I respect authority, I cry at sad songs. Sometimes I am too innocent, and nieve, but it's not something I try to do intentionally. I am still young, I am still learning, I am still growing. That's the reality of me.

If people "hang" on every word I write, that's their buisness. When I write in hear, I don't write for them, or you, I write for me. If I make someone feel better about themselves, if I make someone smile, then great, what a wonderful reward in my life.

No, I am not perfect. I have a mental illness. I didn't ask for it, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Sometimes I can't even pick up the phone to order a pizza. If you enjoy making fun of that, then have the time of your life, just don't sully my guestbook with it. I'm no better than any of you, yet, you are no better than me. We are all equal, balancing out each other's strengths and weaknesses.

Rude commentes will be deleted from my guestbook, because I just plain don't want to read them.



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