2001-04-04
4:29 p.m.

Sometimes I find myself getting to the point where I don't care any more. Those times when it seems the world has some vendeta against me spending a few moments in happiness. I don't know, maybe it's just my depressive mood talking, but it seems whenever I am just about to get out of this freaking depression hole, something has to go wrong.

Lately my mom has found it easy to blame everything on me. Her glass is knocked off the table, my fault because it was my dogs tail that hit it. Has to go back out to get something she forgot..my fault because I didn't remind her. Just little stuff like that. It just seems to push me farther down in this hole. I know it's just because she is stressed, she has a bad habbit of taking things out on me when she gets under a lot of stress, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Then the whole money situation is bothering me. I want to stay in this house, I love where we live. My mom's disability people are screwing us, setting the date she will receive payment farther and farther back. The investment money seems to be just within our grasp, and then it is yanked far away. Meanwhile, the mortgage payment gets later and later. I'm sick of living in limbo, do I pack, or do I put up my new wall paper.

Then there is me being who I am. I am so sick of having to hide my relationship with Jenn from people. Sometimes I just want to climb on top of a tall building, and scream at the top of my lungs, that I am in love with a girl, and I am happy about it. It's not some sickness that needs to be cured, it's not some passing phase, and it's not just rebellion. It's who I am, and I am so sick of that not being accepted. Sometimes, the more I think about it, I wonder if I am just a lesbian. When I think about my future lately, I often see it with a woman. I don't want to say I am a lesbian, and be wrong. I haven't had sexual relations with a man or a woman, so I can't be completely sure, but it is what I feel in my heart right now.

I want to thank all of you who have supported me and talked to me through this. I have found so many people struggling with the same thoughts and feelins as me, and it has helped me so much. Sometimes I wish my real life friends and family were as accepting.

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