March 23, 2003
10:35 p.m.

Apparently, Roger is perfect, and me, well, I am a disappointment. My Mom gets in these moods, and everything suddenly becomes my fault. I was hoping, with Roger, that I would get a break from these mood swings, but, it actually seems to be worse, because, now, I am compared to her "perfect" Roger. Nothing like being compared to a guy that makes your skin crawl.

Lately, I can't seem to do anything right, and the constant belittlement is beginning to weigh on my spirit. She keeps telling me how stressed she is, and I am trying to make life easier, but, it's not my fault she screwed up her finances, and now has a guy, who will most likely win, suing her for thirty thousand dollars. It's not my fault she has to go out and refinance the house for high interest rates because her credit sucks. I am just the girl who has "lent" her mom thirty thousand dollars, trying to help her get out of this rut.

I love my Mom, and normally, we get along really well. She's always been bad with money. A lot of memories from my childhood revolve around the water getting turned off, or the gas, or electricity. It never bothered me then. I thought it was cool to light candles, and read books by their flame. It just affects me more now, now that I have been trying to help support her. My Mom has the best of intentions, and she plans to pay me back, and she reminds me of that over and over, but, will it ever happen?

Friday, I went out in the truck with Fuller, which I have avoided doing for about a month. We went to do a castration, which became a bit of a fiasco. He put in a catheter, because he didn't trust that I could hold a needle in the vein, well, half way through, the catheter came out, and the horse starts to wake up. With his head in the awkward position is was in for the surgery, I couldn't get a vein, so, I had to have Fuller find the vein, which, took him a while (it kind of made me feel better, at least I knew I wasn't just being a moron). In the time it took him to get the vein, the horse was trying to get up, one testicle clamped off. It was crazy. We finally got back to the clinic around seven, just in time for me to start getting a pretty bad headache. Fuller leaves, and I am trying to get some stuff wrapped up, when, the headache starts to get worse. I just felt like I wasn't there, like I was a million miles away. I couldn't get my eyes to focus, I could feel the nausea creeping up to me. I finished my stuff as quickly as I could, and headed out the door. I almost had to pull over several times, because my vision was swimming. I finally got home, popped four advil, spent a while dry heaving, and finally went to sleep. It's amazing what twelve hours of sleep will do for you. I felt much better in the morning. I blame the headache on Fuller though..why, just because :)

The next morning, I went over to Diana's, and heartworm tested her fourteen dogs. Drawing blood on that many dogs is actually kind of hard, especially since they all have a lot of hair, making it hard to see the vein. I got all of them on the first stick except for one. It kind of gave me a bit of an ego trip, but don't worry, it didn't last long, I just got lucky.

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