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2001-10-09 Yesterday I woke up, and there was a rainbow shimmering on my wall. I watched it change, as the sun began to make it's way higher in the sky. Blues fading, greens becoming yellows. 'See me?' it seemed to be saying 'Don't you know you found me a long time ago?' Watching this rainbow on my while, I realized, that maybe, I've had it with me all along. I don't need to search for it, to seak it somewhere in the distance. It's here, it surrounds me, every day, my rainbow is in my heart. Last night, I realized that I have written in this diary for a year. Captured in time is this year of my life. When I started this diary, it was during a time when I was depressed and withdrawn. I didn't really know it, I just know I didn't feel right. I was in my room a lot, only venturing out every now in then to eat, or use the bathroom. It wasn't really the me I know, that I have always been, and I didn't really know how to admit that I needed help, so I started the diary. I had had one her previously, for maybe two months, but I didn't feel comfortable with that diary. It was as if I was a different person in it, my main topic of conversation were the random tv shows I watched, and the latest fight I had gotten into with my mother. I didn't share my thoughts, I didn't even share my name. Then, one day, I had an entry that I wanted to write. It began in my head, and I just had to write it down. I opened up the window, but stopped there, it didn't belong in that diary. -I- didn't belong in that diary. I began trying to think of a new name, I thought of many, but I didn't feel that, spark I guess. So, I sat listening to my CD's on shuffle, when a song came on, "Hard Rain" by Sue Witty. Suddenly, it felt right, that was my name. Of course, then, in my depressive mood, the reasons for my like of the name were a bit more cynical. Then, there was no umbrella in my heart, and I couldn't see a rainbow anywhere, all I could think, was, 'hey, this life is hard.' So, I began to write. My first entries were still lacking, I don't know, real feeling. Then, in that first month of my diary, where I was struggling to find me, my horse, Sam, died. I knew a few people read my diary, but I never expected to have so many people actually be there for me. I guess I was feeling sorry for myself then, but to get such a response, such support, I finally realized, that life wasn't that bad. I was alive, I had a good life, and I had great friends. After that, this diary, it became one of my strong holds. A place where I could talk, and say what was important to me. Unlike paper diaries, where after about two weeks, the entries stopped, I -wanted- to write in this diary. People were giving me feed back, and for the first time in a while, I began to feel like myself. I began to feel that umbrella opening up. I looked at my name, hardrain, and I began to wonder if it was the right name for me. I listened to "Hard Rain" again, and this time, I really -heard- the song, and got it's message. Then, I realized, that this name, it is a part of me. That, yeah, life may be hard, but I can, and will make it through. After that, this diary became a part of me, a place where I could sort out my thoughts, a place where I could get help from people. I began to become myself again. Sure, I still had my ups and downs, but they became milder, and I had people to help me through. I mean, I have great real life friends, but sometimes, it helped to talk to a stranger, who had an outside point of view. Then came a big hurdle in my life. Me accepting myself. That became a large part of this diary, as well as my life. It caused my mom and I to fight worse than we ever had before, it caused her to be disappointed in me for the first time. It caused me a lot of hurt. So many times, I wished that I had continued living a lie, because it was easy. Once again, this diary reminded me that life is a "hard rain," and it knocked some sense into me. Life isn't supposed to be easy. When that concept got through my thick skull, I got back to me again. I reminded myself that it didn't matter what other people thought, that I had to live with myself, and -I- didn't want to lie. Then, I stood up for myself, and what I believed in. I told my mom that I was still the same girl I always was, I just wasn't lying any more, and that I really needed her to be there for me, and to support me. In the end, it brought us closer. No, she still doesn't like that I have gone of the beaten path, that I don't drool over men, but she accepts that it's me. When Jenn's parents found my diary, and everything happened, I began to not like myself again. If having my friend ripped away from me was what being myself got me, was it worth it? The depression came back, but then again, so did the e-mails. You guys were not going to let me be a fool, and you helped me rebuild my soul. -You- were proud of me, when I was too afraid to be proud of myself. You lended me your strength, your hearts. Now, I look back, and wonder how I could have been so stupid. I am going to get a lot of negative reactions to my life, but I should never let them destroy me like that did. I know that now. They were stupid, and narrow minded, and that hurt, a lot. But then, I got my first E-mail of someone saying how much they admired my strength, and my passion, and belief in myself. Did I really believe in myself? I didn't want to be a pretend role model to this person, making people believe, what I, myself, didn't believe. I wanted to be real. So, then I worked on it. I pushed myself, I fought for myself, and, I believed in myself. I am me, and I am so damn happy with that. Then, I felt proud accepting that e-mail. Then, more messages like that came to me, I actually made people feel better about themselves. Wow. That feeling made it all worth it. Even on the days, when I cried into my pillow, I just thought about that one person out there, who didn't hate him/herself anymore. I was proud of me. Then, came the part of my life, where I am at now, where I am happy. I found a job that I am in love with. That makes me feel fufilled, and makes me remember why I can't wait to live every day. After a bad week last week, I sat and wondered if it really was all worth it. At that moment, as if God were sending me a sign, a woman came in, and looked at me. I am proud of who I am. That wall I had around me that kept everyone out has fallen down. My mom is my best friend again, my dad, even with all his faults, is becoming my father again, and I am able to look up to him. I am getting my life together, and have discovered how to smile through it all. I look at my pay check, wondering how that five hundred dollars is going to help my mom and I make it through the month, and I worry. I watch as my mom swallows twenty pills a day, and I worry. I look at my life, and who I am, who I want to be, and I don't worry, I smile. A year ago, I would have been in tears at the thoughts, and worries, but today, I take them head on. Yeah, watch out hard rain, watch out thunder and lightning, get out of my way, because I am going to make it through any storm you throw at me. I FOUND my rainbow!! Happy birthday dear diary of mine, how can I ever repay you? You've saved me a thousand times, you helped me find that ever illusive rainbow. <-//->
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