2001-07-05
3:58 a.m.

I feel dead. On the outside I am living, I smile, I laugh, but something on the inside has ceased to exist. She said she hates me. She once told me that she never used the word hate unless she really meant it. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Maybe I am hanging on to something that isn't there any more, all I know is that I love her. Yes, I am still young, but I still know what I feel. My heart has never lead me wrong before, and I believe what it is telling me now.

I never tried to make her sound like the bad guy, and if I did, that's not what I was intending. She's not the bad guy, she's a victim. She's stuck in the middle of a war, being pulled between sides, her heart ripped in two. Some nights I would lay awake and wish that I could take just some of the pain, some of the heartache from her, because she didn't deserve it. No one deserves to have to go through what we have gone through, what she has gone through. Yet, there are so many people going through the same things, so many diaries of people being ripped apart by those who believe they know what's best. Those who can deny their hearts. Love is love, and I will stand by that until the very end.

I'm sorry, Jenn, sorry that you feel the way you do. I never meant to hurt you, and you know that. What you have misuderstood, is that everyone who supports me, also supports you, they support us. I owe you so much, you have helped shaped me into the person I am. You have made me smile on days when I thought it was impossible. You have helped me be happy with myself, for who I am, not for what anyone wants me to be. Keep being who you are, Jenn, because you are wonderful. Have faith in yourself, and it will turn out okay.

Sometimes I wonder how everything can change, and morph so quickly. The world moves too fast sometimes, I just want to put on the breaks. I love her, now and forever. Roll your eyes if you must, recite the fact that I am a teenager, but I don't break my promises. Remember that. And Jenn, I hope that someday you can not hate me.

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