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September 10, 2005 Large animal rules for calling the vet: 1.When the vet arrives at your property, walk out in the pasture barefoot with no halter or lead rope. Question why the vet didn’t bring his or her own, then proceed to stomp angrily to the barn to get the halter. 2.Please allow every dog you own to run loose between the horses feet. Small children are also a big plus. Make sure to have a hurt look on your face when the vet asks you to put the dogs up and keep the kids out of the way. 3.Make sure you smoke while holding the lead rope. It doesn’t matter if the horse rears up while getting its shots, just don’t drop your cigarette. Better yet, smoke while talking on your cell phone, and believe that standing on the lead rope with your flip flop covered foot is perfect restraint. 4.Mild lameness is always an after hours emergency, especially when it has been going on for three weeks. 5.When your horse begins to colic, make sure to consult every neighbor or trainer you know. Try herbal remedies, try walking him, but whatever you do, don’t call the vet until midnight. Then, when the vet charges you a late night emergency fee to tube and rectal the horse, complain that you could have done that yourself for free and question where to get the supplies. 6.Wait until after either the vet or tech have been kicked or bitten to warn them of your horse’s vices. 7.Have your horse named five different things and change your mind frequently while the tech is filling out the Coggins form. It’s fun to make them start over after drawing your very flashy paint. 8.Question why the vet refuses to vaccinate your never handled yearling over a barbed wire fence. 9.Penny and dime every service the vet recommends. Get the bare minimum of vaccines, roll your eyes when the vet recommends getting a farrier to trim feet, claim the floating teeth is useless, and constantly complain about how expensive horses are and how you don’t have the money. Then, ask about breeding your mare. 10.Always send your nine year old kid to hold your Arabian stallion. Act offended when the vet makes the child hand the lead rope over to the experienced tech. Complain loudly that the small child has grown up with horses and can surely handle the crazy, rearing, biting thousand pound horse as needles are poked into his neck. 11.Call the vet out to vaccinate one horse. When the vet gets to your property ask them if they have the time to vaccinate five other horses, do a complete lameness exam, do a quick prepurchase, and castrate your six year old stallion. Also, complain loudly that they were ten minutes late and question why they can’t ever be on time. 12.Give directions to your place and don’t use any road names or addresses. Refer constantly to the white fence or the brown mailbox. Figure that the vet can tell the difference between your white fence and brown mailbox and all the other white fences and mailboxes on your street. 13.Constantly gasp and jump while the vet is giving your horse vaccines. Make quick movements so the horse will be even more nervous. Be extremely offended when the vet asks you to step outside, claiming you need to be there for moral support. 14.Complain loudly when the vet asks for payment before leaving. It doesn’t matter that there aren’t any other professions that allows charging, but the vet should trust you to pay the thousand dollar bill. Sure the vet has just met you and your three previous vets won’t do business with you because you wouldn’t pay them, but –this- vet should trust you. 15.Call a vet you’ve never used to come out a two in the morning for your colicky horse because you just don’t want to bother your regular vet.
2. Bring your children, bring your neighbor's children. If you have no children, borrow some from a friend. Toddlers who have been walking for less than a year are best. If they are talking, let them run around all over the hospital to ask everyone on the staff questions. 3. Place your pet on the exam table, then sit down. Please do not hold it. Emphasize that: "It won't jump down!", and, "He never bites!" 4. If you are reading a magazine, do not lose your place by putting it down. Please keep reading. Do not look up when asked a question. 5. Do not remove your sunglasses, especially if you have a hearing problem. 6. If you have a concern, YELL at the receptionist, then when you see the doctor, be as sweet as humanly possible. 7. As you leave, let your unneutered dog urinate on every stationary object until he gets outside. Do not tell anyone. 8. Please tell us if there is a problem, but wait at least three weeks to do so. Remember--continuous diarrhea for four or more weeks is considered "An emergency situation!" This is especially true at closing time on the weekend. 9. If your pet is in really bad shape, tell the doctor that you have been away on vacation. If you haven't brought your pet into the office for over 2 years, always tell the veterinarian that the problem started right after your last visit and hasn't gone away. 10. Have your records under as many names as possible. For your pet, have a registered name, a baptized name, and a nickname from each family member. Use a different name each time you come in for a visit. 11. When leaving your pet for boarding or other procedures, never tell anyone in the office that you have changed your phone number since the last visit. 12. Never say anything important until the vet puts his stethoscope in his ears. 13. Always say, "Cost is not important! Do whatever it takes to save my pet!" until you get your bill. Then deny that you ever said it was OK to treat your pet. Make a big fuss over every item, even though you have no intention of paying the bill anyway. Always bring your checkbook without checks in it, and leave your wallet at home. Only carry $100 bills when you do bring your wallet, especially if you are only purchasing one can of dog food. 14. If possible, always send your pet to the clinic with children under the age of 18. Be sure they have no money or credit cards with them, and never tell them why they were to bring the pet in. <-//->
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