2001-04-14
11:58 p.m.

Today I watched as one of my puppies slept in my arms. It made me remember a time when everything was so simple, so innocent. Chasing the boys around the play ground, telling your best friend you loved her, asking your dad to marry you. Why can't we keep that feeling as we grow up and mature.

Mature, it almost seems like a dirty word. When you are mature, you aren't supposed to have jungle safari's in your back yard. The monsters under your bed go away, and never come back to play. You begin to realize that those fairy tales you believe in with all your heart couldn't be farther from the truth.

Why does imagination become a bad word. Why is it so strange to sit out in the front yard, and see the pictures in the clouds. Why can't I see that imaginary friend that I was so sure I had as a child. The one that only adults couldn't see. Maybe that's why I love acting so much. I want to hold on to what's left of my imagination for as long as I can.

I was listening to the girl I babysit talk about her many crushes. She talks about how cute the boys in her class are. It made me sad one day, because I never had that. I never came home to tell my mom how in love I was with the new boy in my class. I never really liked anyone. While I listened to my friends spout out the name of every cute boy in the school, I kept thinking 'what's the big deal.' I tried not to notice that I looked at girls, because that is just wrong and disgusting. I would sit and wonder what was wrong with me, why couldn't I be normal. Instead, I just created a shell around myself that I didn't even allow myself to break through at times. When my friends gushed over the cute guys, I made a half hearted attempt to gush too. When I would look at other girls, I would always reassure myself that it was because I appreciated their bodies, that I wanted to see the competetion. Even then, I knew I was lying, and I hated it. At the time, I was having enough trouble fitting in. I was the "brain" in my class, the one you copied homework from, never the one you were friends with. So, saying that I like girls, and putting even more distance between myself, and those people that I wanted to look to as friends, was the last thing on my mind.

Every once in a while, I would find a guy that I thought was okay, but when I thought back on it, I was met with almost a frightening revelation. Every guy I ever even considered liking was more of a feminine type, whether it was the way they looked, or the way they acted, I always went for the more feminine type guys.

I listened to everyone tell me that I would grow out of my tomboy phase, and that my love of horses would morph into love of boys. I remember I kept waiting for it to happen. I wanted to join in as every talked about the cute guy they saw at the mall, but the days passed, and it still hasn't happened. My family is always asking if I have a boyfriend yet, and I just want to look at them and say 'No, but I found a wonderful girl that I am in love with.' I'm not ashamed to say that, that's not the reason for my silence. I just don't want to disappoint everyone. All my family members that talk about the wonderful childred I am going have, or the nice husband. I don't want to break their hearts by saying it might not happen. Then, there is the fact that I live in the bible belt, and most of my family is very Babtist. With Babtist, one of the strong preaching points is how wrong lesbianism is. I know if I actually told my family, you can believe I would be in a church every sunday, and thursday, and any other day. I would be on a first name basis with my paster. I would be told how wrong it is, how confused I am, and such as that. I'm happy with who I am, and if I am happy, and I am living a good life, then I know God will be happy.

I'm so tired of people around me telling me how wrong it is. Or how I will grow out of it. The stupidest one yet, I am doing it because two of my friends have done it. Being lesbian, or bi, isn't just some fasion statement, or a pair of shoes. How I feel isn't going to change. If there were any chance that it were, I wouldn't have gone through all this pain and stuff to come out. I wouldn't have had to see my mom's sad look when I told her that I might never have a husband or kids. I mean, does anyone really think I would hurt my mom if I wasn't absolutely sure of what I was saying. Would I actually choose to be labled, and critisized to be 'cool' because my friends were doing it. Everyone should know by now that I am not one who does things to fit in. I am the first to yell at my friends when they smoke, I am the first to shake my head no when offered drugs. I am not going to do something to fit in.

"But I am not a fasion that you wear
I'm not a food you like
I am not a ribbon in your hair
I'm not that fancy fast car you dream to drive"
Doria Roberts "Flesh and emotion"



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