November 28, 2002
7:52 p.m.

I came home from work yesterday, and I cried. I was so angry at myself, so disappointed in me. I will forgo all the details, because the story is far too depressing. Basically, a couple of weeks ago, two cats came into the clinic to be euthanised. These two cats were some what wild, but, after a lot of work on the part of the employees, they both began to come around. A couple of days ago, we did a test on these cats to see if they had feline AIDS, or leukimia. One cat was positive for AIDS, while the other was negative. Well, on Wednesday, Dr. Myers decided it was time to euthanise the cats, believing, in his mind, that he had given them ample time to find another home. While the one who was positive, I could see being put to sleep, the one that was negative did not need to die. I told Dr. Myers this, asking him to at least give this cat another week, since we had not been advertising them. He told me that either I was going to take the cat home, or he would put it to sleep. I let him put the cat to sleep, because I didn't want Mom to be mad at me. I let him kill a cat for no good reason. If that weren't enough to eat away at my insides, the way that cat died is.

Dr. Myers gave that euthanasia solution twice in the leg, and although he won't admit it, he missed the vein both times. Missing the vein means the cat will die a much slower death. Dr. Myers then gave the solution straight in the heart, but once again, I think he missed. After administering the solution, he went in the office to make a phone call, leaving me alone with the cat. The cat was out of it enough to not be completely aware of his surroundings, but, he was still breathing, and his heart was still beating strong. After two minutes of this, I went and pulled Dr. Myers off the phone, and told him the cat was still alive. He came out of the room, put his hand to the cat's chest for two seconds, told me the cat was dead, and went back to his phone call. I didn't believe him, so I grabbed a stethascope, and listened. The heart beat was still strong. I was so angry at Dr. Myers, I was on the verge of tears for this poor cat. I grabbed the bottle of solution, grabbed a syringe, and the cat, and went to Dr. Fuller. I put the cat down directly on top of a chart he was writing in, handed him the bottle and told him to finish the cat -now-. I have never talked to any of the doctors in such a way. Dr. Fuller took one look at my face, and silently put the cat to sleep. The second Dr. Fuller finished injecting the cat, it stopped breathing. I was so upset. I have never, ever, regretted holding an animal as it was euthanised as I did in that very moment. I should have taken the cat. I could have found it a home, and, if nothing else, it could have been a "barn cat" here. I had it in my power to save that cat's life, and I didn't. I let him die, and die slowly, for no reason at all. I have never been more disappointed in myself.

All day today, that whole thing weighed heavily on my mind. I took all my animals today, and told them that, as long as I live, I will never let anything so awful happen to them. I want to help animals, not hurt them. I won't let something like that happen again.

I hope wherever that cat it, that it can forgive me. I hope it heard my whispered 'I'm sorry' as I held him in my arms. I hope it knew that every tear I cried last night was for him.

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