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2001-04-21 As much as I have tried to be hopeful, and optimistic, Jenn's parents aren't going to suddenly change thier mind. Even if we are only friends, they aren't going to trust us. I love Jenn in a way I never expected to. She became a piece of me. I'm watching her spirit slowly dwindle down, her happiness slowly fade. I hate it. I feel responsible for it. Maybe I let her too close to me. I mean, I kept people at arms length for so long, and when I finally let another person close, we both end up getting hurt so badly. I feel like I am just a shell of myself, on the outside I go on living, but on the inside, I am slowly dying. I felt something with Jenn, that spark that you spend your whole life looking for. I guess I just can't see why everyone is so afraid. Why be afraid of love. How often do you find someone, one person who you want to spend forever with? How often do you find that person that loves you the way you love them? Isn't that what every fairy tale is about? Isn't that what everyone looks for? Why condem it then? Loving Jenn isn't going to hurt anyone, except those who can't accept love for love. There is nothing to fear. I would wait forever for Jenn, and she says she would do the same. Can I let her do that though? Isn't loving someone about making sacrifices for them? If I disappeared, would her life be easier? Maybe then she could get her relationship with her parents back. Just thinking about doing that now makes me cry, tears dripping on my keyboard. I just want to make things better for her, because if she is happy, then I am happy. I have been dreaming about her almost every night, and when I wake up, and realize it was all a dream, I just get more depressed. And, no, the dreams weren't sexual. As I've said before, the whole relationship with Jenn wasn't sexual, it was the deeper connection, an emotional one. We could sit for hours, just holding hands, not speaking, not looking at each other, and be completely happy, and fufilled. That's normally what we did when we were together, and I treasured every minute of it. I was so happy, it was like nothing could get me down. She helped me to see that not everything in life was a bad thing. She helped me find this umbrella in my heart. I'm sorry this entry is depressing, but I just miss Jenn so much. I want and need to talk to her so badly. She is just around the corner, but she is still so far away. I'm so tired of crying, but I can't stop. It's like I have an open wound that is bleeding, and every once in a while, someone will throw salt in it just to make sure I know that it's still there. "Late at night <-//->
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