2002-03-26
12:00 a.m.

I think depression is one of the scariest things for me, because I feel out of control. When I was sick, throwing up, I couldn't take my Paxil, which I take for panic attacks and depression. I have never believed myself to be dependent on a drug to keep me sane, but, after four days without it, I felt the depression surrounding me like a dark cloud. I came here, my outlet, ready to write, when I find my keyboard isn't working. I couldn't control my actions, I wasn't me. I pushed my computer chair to the floor, and ripped my keyboard out of the back of the computer, throwing it to the floor as well. I then curled up and began to cry. It scares me to not be in control of my emotions, my body. I hate that I have to take a medication to help me maintain that control. It makes me feel weak, incomplete.

Then, as I am laying there, my head cradled in my hands, I see a notebook poking out from under my bed. As I opened it, I felt saddened all over again. When Jenn's parents had forbid us from seeing each other, we had each agreed to write a notebook to each other while we were apart. I sat in my floor, flipping through the pages almost a year later, and I was sad, hurt, and angry all over again. Not just at her parents, but a little at her as well. I guess a part of me feels that she never put the same weight on our friendship as I did, and that will always hurt. She's still my friend, but I feel we lost a lot of what used to be there. I ended up writing in the notebook again, though, I guess to help give it a little closure in my eyes. And I still am greatful to every person who was there during that time, and gave me and her a little support.

Depression is hard to explain to someone who has never really experienced it full out. It's like there is a tape in your head, just replaying every thing that is wrong in your life, every bad thing that you have done, or, in turn, has been done to you. Suddenly, it's like every happiness you know is sucked away, and all that is left is a pool of tears. The world around you becomes black and white, not happy colors found anywhere. The sun may shine, but you can feel no warmth. It's truely frightening, there's just no other word for it. Depression is more than just being sad, it's like being smothered in that saddness, where so much is on top of you that you struggle to breath, to live.

I am better now, not having had an episode like that it a while. It's always a humbling experience, and it makes me even more greatful for the good days I have. The days when I am truely happy. I just hate the fact, that for the time being, I have to have a drug help me control my moods, my emotions. I'll rise above it though, for that much I am sure. I am stronger.

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