2001-05-03
12:22 a.m.
Today, I sat listening to my mom and my aunt talking about what would happen when my grandmother died. When I thought about it, I realized that the thought doesn't bother me that much. I mean, her death bothers me of course, but when I think about it, I have to wonder if it's not actually better. She had her stroke almost three years ago. For three years she hasn't been able to care for herself, or talk, or even write. She's been a prisoner in her own body, able to understand everything going on around her, but unable to respond. I can't imagine living like that for three years. I know she is tired of fighting, tired of having to have everyone take care of her. She was always independent, and I know she hates watching her daughters dressing her and stuff like that. When she looks at my sometimes, I can see how tired she is. Although, when she dies, I will miss her terribly, I think I will also be at peace. When she dies, I'll know that she is finally free of the body that imprisons her, she will finally be herself again. Even though she won't physically be here, I'll know that she is there when I need a hug, and that she will be watching over me. I guess in a way I have prepared myself, and have come to terms with death. It doesn't scare me like it used to, now I accept it, and the peace it can bring.
Mary and Mars gave me a wonderful gift today. It wasn't anything big, and it didn't cost any money, but it was still one of the best gifts I have gotten in a while. They made me an animated gif, with X-files pictures, as well as pictures of them. Every frame had another little sentence to give me courage and strength. When I saw the gif, I started crying, but for the first time in a while, I was crying tears of happiness and thanks. I've never been one to cry over very many things, but this simple gesture just touched me. So, I am publicly thanking you both, and I'd trust you to hold my umbrella any day :)
Well, I am going to get up early to go and visit my grandmother in the hospital, so just a short entry for tonight.
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