|
|
|
2001-03-10 Last night I had what seemed like an emotional breakdown at two in the morning. My mom was saying something about trying really hard to stay in this house, and I bursted into tears. I don't really know why, but they just started comming. The more I cried, the more bad memories started surfacing. One of the things, was how much I miss my horse Cracker because he was my stress release. I could go outside, in the middle of the night, in my bare feet, and pajamas, and give him a hug, inhailing his horse scent, and suddenly, everything in the world would be right again. Even if it was only for a few minutes, I would leave his side feeling like nothing could ever make me sad again. The thought of Cracker, brought up George, my step-father. I have a lot of unresolved issues, and pent up agressions with him. I remember, when he and my mom will still married, my mom and I would go out to eat, and come home around eight o'clock. I would see his car parked outside the house, and I would instantly fear going inside. I would beg my mom to stay out in the car with me for just a few more minutes. I knew that once we went in the house, the yelling would start. I hated living in that house. I never wanted to be home. I was always at a friends house, or at my dad's house, anywhere but there. My mom was so focused on not failing in another marriage, that she missed how much I was hurting. The divorce was so sudden, one week he was there, the next he had moved out. I never got to really tell him how I felt. I never realized how much this affected me until recently, where dreams about him, and flashbacks happen at least once a week. I've even booked an appointment with a new therapist, because I have got to get over this. My mind doesn't want to accept that it was the past. My mom suggested that I write him a letter, which set me on a whole new set of tears. I told her that I could never write anybody a letter that said something even remotely hurtful, because I know what it feels like to get that letter. I know, what if feels like to have the hurt that hits you deep in your stomach. I lost faith in friendship for a while there. I think this is one thing that I will never be able to forget, and perhaps fully forgive. Then I find tears comming from all the arguments my mom and I have been having. I've always had a close relationship with my mom, but lately it seems all we say are bitter words to each other. I'm tired of her and Jenn being at odds with each other, and trying to avoid each other. I love them both, and their negative energy is often trasferred onto me, and I so want them to get along. I miss my grandmother, who although she is still living, can't just hold me and talk to me the way she used to. I know I could always talk to my mom, or Jenn, or Jake, but there was just something about my grandmother, when she would hold me and stroke my hair, that always made everything seem better. Basically last night's little crying session was just that long needed release. I was finally letting myself cry over everything that has been bugging me for the last few years. I felt better afterwards, but I know I have a long way to go before i am better. "Another ditch in the road Savage Garden "Two beds and a Coffee Machine" <-//->
|
